Dear Eric: My former best friend and longtime housemate is a serial monogamist and cannot go a couple weeks without being in a long-term relationship, usually having no more than two to three weeks in between very serious relationships.
This friend disappears fully into relationships with people who aren’t good to him, and it’s impossible to get him to respond to invitations to hang out.
After months of initiating plans, and rarely hearing back, I decided to take a step back from it due to incredible initiation fatigue.
He will occasionally call me and say he misses me and wants to grab lunch. When we do that, it’s so one-sided; he vents about his terrible relationship du jour, and then the check comes, and I haven’t said a word.
I miss my friend. I think I deserve better. I think his bad communication style mixed with his unhealthy relationship patterns are absolutely intertwined and really impossible to break.
Do I cut my losses, and just decline the lunch invitation that will come in five months, and be grateful to the universe for giving me this friend for my past? Or should I try to navigate the “I miss you, I’m worried about you, please want better for yourself, and please stop ignoring all your friends” conversation? Help!
– Ignored Friend
Dear Friend: Your friend is clearly working through something – an insecurity, a feeling of instability – that keeps leading him away from healthy friendships and into the arms of people the singing group TLC might describe as “scrubs.” Or worse.
Sometimes it takes a trusted friend to wake us up to unhealthy patterns of behavior. So don’t be afraid to have a heart-to-heart with him about it. You could even interrupt his monologue at your next lunch and tell him, “I’ve noticed this pattern. Have you noticed it, too? Are you worried about it?”
This is also a great time to bring up another relationship that needs a health checkup – yours and his. Friendship is a two-way street. If you don’t feel valued or even considered, tell him what you need and ask him what he needs/wants from this friendship. It’s very likely that, just as he lacks good models for healthy love relationships, he’s still working on how to be a good friend.
It’s OK to call him on this. But you don’t have to be a doormat. If he’s not willing to work with you to improve your relationship, it may be time to take an official break until he’s in a better place.
Dear Eric: I am the oldest of two sisters: the City Mouse and the Country Mouse. The City Mouse has not visited the Country Mouse (me) for more than 10 years. The trip to see me involves a half day of train travel, pick up at the station, her own room/TV and access to her nieces and nephews, plus that clean country air.
I fear I will never see the City Mouse again because of impending health issues. When I, nicknamed the Bully, approached the City Mouse, she replied with why can’t I visit her? Any ideas? Has our sisterhood been abandoned?
– Country Mouse
Dear Country Mouse: Forgive me for sounding too much like the city mouse, but why can’t you visit her? You write that the health issues are impending, and I understand there may be preparations you need to do beforehand, but if you’re currently able and want to see her, a visit may be a good form of self-care.
The nickname “The Bully” is worrisome, though. I don’t see bullying here, but this is only a slice of your relationship. If there are other tensions that might be discouraging your sister from visiting, you should bring those up and talk them through to clear the path for a more productive conversation on visits.
Dear Eric: I enjoyed your response to “Hobby Help” who was wondering what to do with completed craft projects. Your ideas were novel and creative.
I had an additional idea that perhaps Hobby Helper could contact nursing homes, assisted-living centers or memory care providers in the community.
I recently discovered while I was selecting giving tree items for a local assisted-living community that several residents requested decorations. I have been told that some facilities dedicated to memory care utilize seasonal decorations to assist with orientation to time of year for residents; perhaps any donated seasonal crafts would be useful for that as well.
– Another Idea
Dear Idea: Donating completed craft projects is a great idea. And I love that you mentioned contacting the nursing homes first so that the letter writer can ensure they are actually in a position to accept donations. This way the letter writer can ensure the donation is more likely to get used and bring other people joy.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
