Dear Eric: I am a mid-60s married woman. I have been in a deep friendship for a couple of years with a married male colleague in his 30s. Neither of us is each other’s supervisor.
There is no romantic connection, but we are very much best friends, and we adore each other. We share much in common, such as interests outside work.
We text each other a ton and have so much fun spending time or talking with each other. We are also very supportive and love each other, but in a platonic way. Our spouses know of our deep friendship and neither has expressed a problem. Neither of us have hidden anything from our spouses.
I have friends who think my friendship with my male friend is inappropriate. He has friends who have said the same. We don’t dare invite each other to social events where we might normally invite a good friend of the same gender and age group.
Is what we are doing wrong? Should we end our friendship? Is this an age thing? A gender thing? Should we say to hell with others and act like BFFs and invite each other to social events?
I am so confused as he is my best friend.
– BFF
Dear BFF: Tell your naysaying friends to back off and butt out. Respectfully. Or not! They’re problematizing a perfectly normal, innocent friendship and, in so doing, creating drama where there needn’t be any.
Let’s look at the facts: you and your BFF have a deep connection. What a gift to find a friend in this life. You’re clear about where you stand and neither has muddled or inappropriate feelings. You have open communication with your spouses. So, no one who has any real stake in the relationship has a problem with it. The friends who are giving their commentary don’t have a penny in that nickel, as the saying goes. So, their two cents aren’t worth much.
If I had to guess, I’d say you’re right: it’s probably an age and gender thing. Maybe your friends haven’t seen platonic intergenerational friendship or healthy friendship between a man and a woman. But just because they haven’t witnessed it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. This is a good lesson for all kinds of situations: just because you’re unfamiliar with something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or is wrong.
So, invite your BFF out if you want. Have fun and don’t let your other friends dim your shine. Perhaps they’re the ones who should skip a social event or two.
Dear Eric: My brother and I are both in our late 60s. We’re close and I consider his wife a good friend of mine.
I discovered that my brother is engaging in some pretty questionable interactions on the social feed Threads. He’s been replying to quite a few posts by barely clothed women, complimenting them, saying he would like to date them, and asking them to DM him.
Putting ethics aside, I am concerned that these posts will somehow reach his wife, or his two adult children. I know my sister-in-law would be pretty upset by seeing what her husband does online.
Should I tell my brother that I’ve seen these posts on Threads, and tell him that these posts are visible to each and every “follower” of his on Threads? He’s fairly naive when it comes to digital privacy and may be operating under the impression that his friends do not see his interactions with these women.
– Worried Sister
Dear Sister: Oh dear, you pull this thread and who knows what will unravel. But you should tell him. And tell him to knock it off.
Dear Eric: A few years ago, we started seeing old friends. We meet them once a month for dinner. After a month or two, the wife started calling me every two weeks on the same day and time. We have come to realize that they are both self-centered people who go on and on about themselves. I can take the dinner but am tired of the phone calls. I have made excuses for the times that she was calling but she keeps trying new times. How can I get her to stop calling?
– Hung Up
Dear Hung Up: You need to put yourself on a one-person Do Not Call list. Tell her, “I notice we’ve fallen into a pattern of regular phone calls, but I find that that’s not working for me. Let’s catch up at dinner instead.”
You are not required to enjoy talking on the phone.
One last thing. It sounds from your letter that you’re putting up with these dinners rather than enjoying them. Ask yourself if this is really the way you want to spend your time. It’s OK for friendships to grow, change, and, at times, fade.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
