Q. My husband of nine years died in a car crash three years ago. I continued to spend the holidays with his parents each year. Last year his mother passed away so his father is all alone. My new fiancé doesn’t think we should spend the holidays with my former father-in-law. I understand his point of view, but this man has been family for years. He’s is 80 years old and all alone. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. First of all, I want to acknowledge the depth of your compassion and the complexities of your situation. Your loyalty to your former father-in-law is commendable, and it’s understandable that you want to continue providing support to someone who’s been a part of your life for so long.
As for your fiancé’s point of view, that’s understandable, as well. Blending families, especially after the death of a spouse, can be tricky. Your fiancé may feel that continuing to spend holidays with your former father-in-law is a reminder of your past, and that may bring up uncomfortable feelings for him.
So, what’s good ex-etiquette?
It’s perfectly acceptable to still care for and nurture relationships with people from your past, but the foundation of your relationship with your fiancé must also be nurtured. Start by having an honest conversation with your fiancé about your reasons for wanting to continue spending time with your former father-in-law. Let him know that you are not choosing your past over your present. It’s not about one relationship winning over another; it’s about blending compassion, sensitivity and mutual respect.
How do you honor both relationships, the one you lost and the one you’re building?
1. Create an All-Inclusive Plan
You don’t have to choose between your fiancé and your former father-in-law. Instead, decide together how to make room for both. That might mean spending the main holiday with your fiancé and visiting your father-in-law earlier in the day or the day before or hosting a small holiday coffee gathering so your father-in-law is included without dominating the entire celebration. This shows your fiancé that you’re committed to your future together while still showing compassion toward someone who has essentially been family for years and is now alone.
2. Reframe It for Your Fiancé
Sometimes partners feel threatened because they don’t understand the why behind the tradition. Explain it gently and clearly. You could say something like:
“I want you to know that my feelings for my late husband are not in competition with my life with you. My father-in-law is 80. He has lost both his son and his wife, and I’m one of the few people he has left. Spending a little time with him during the holidays is about compassion, not clinging to the past. And I want us to figure out a way to do that together, so everyone feels respected — especially you.”
3. Invite Your Fiancé Into the Decision-Making
Good Ex-etiquette Rule No. 10 is, “Look for the Compromise.” Instead of telling him what you plan to do, bring him into the process. “How can we make this work, so you feel comfortable too? I want to find something that honors him but also honors us.”
When people feel included rather than sidelined, resistance usually melts.
4. Set Boundaries That Reflect Your New Life
You’re not the same person you were nine years ago — your traditions don’t have to be, either.
5. Let Your Fiancé See the Human Side
Sometimes meeting the person changes everything. If he hasn’t spent time with your former father-in-law, invite him along once — not to pressure him, but so he understands the bond. Often the fear of an idea is more powerful than the actual situation.
Remember, you’re not choosing between your fiancé and your former father-in-law; you’re simply being thoughtful about how to include both in a way that honors your past and supports your future. That’s good ex-etiquette.
(Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families. She can be reached at www.bonusfamilies.com or jann@bonusfamilies.com.)
