Dear Eric: I am in a 20-year relationship with a mostly great guy, and we finally moved in together seven months ago. Things are going well for the most part considering we both lived on our own for the entire relationship.
I have a dead-end job in an office. Same old 8 to 5, five days a week. Nothing ever changes and every day is the same. I’m OK with not trying to move up the ladder as I’m in my 60s and hope to retire soon anyway.
My partner travels fairly often for work, sometimes for three or four days at a time. He’s successful at his job which shows signs of him getting promoted, which he deserves.
I hate that he travels and I hate the fact that I’m envious of it. Some of these trips are to interesting places or resorts with fun and different events (wine tasting, cruises, dinners). Spouses and partners are never invited as these trips are also work functions with daily meetings. He tells me he doesn’t want to go on these trips anymore and he hates sitting through boring presentations and meetings. But I find this hard to believe because he’ll then regale me with descriptions of all the delicious, lavish meals they’ve had and all the fun things that were planned for them at night. To me, his complaints sound disingenuous.
I wish I could be the kind of partner who is happy for him that the boring days are offset by the great evenings but I’m too envious because my job is so dull and this part of his life is off limits to me. I feel that the trips and experiences he’s had are distancing him from me. We fight often about this.
Can you help me with this, please?
– Left At Home
Dear Home: I don’t think you have to be happy for him. In fact, I think it would be better for you both if you distanced yourself from his work life. It’s good for partners to listen to each other’s stories and provide encouragement, advice and commiseration, but unless partners are working together, our jobs are a separate part of our lives from our love relationships. They all impact each other, of course. But right now, you’re taking his job personally and that’s not helpful.
Respectfully, I don’t think his job is the bigger issue here. It’s possible to have a job with perks that is, at the end of the day, still a job. I think the issue is that you’re feeling stuck inside and outside of work. So, ask yourself, what can you do after 5 p.m. or on weekends or over vacation days, that interests you. The recent move may be bringing into higher relief the parts of your life that feel unresolved. So, dig into them. You don’t have to travel or have lavish meals to find meaning. What are your hobbies, what are your passions, what do you want to do after retirement? Invest energy and thought and kindness into this while he’s away and while he’s home. Give yourself the space and time to explore. It’ll give you both things to talk about other than work.
Dear Eric: On December 12, “Professional Courtesy” wrote about a friend who had asked for a letter of recommendation and then edited it without the letter writer’s knowledge. The letter writer wrote, “I told him he could edit it, expecting he would send me the edited version.”
Professional Courtesy could have provided clear expectations, especially since there is a friendship at stake. If having the friend provide input was important to Professional Courtesy, then a simple note accompanying the draft could have sufficed, such as:
“As a courtesy, I’m sending you a draft of the recommendation letter. Please feel free to send me any corrections or additions and I will take it into consideration before finalizing my letter.”
Hopefully this advice can help Professional Courtesy to mend their friendship or help with future requests for writing recommendations.
– Recommendation for the Recommender
Dear Recommendation: Yes! Clear expectations and clearer communication all around could have saved everyone a lot of trouble here. Even in a blind recommendation process, it’s crucial for both parties to check in about the letter’s goals, the applicant’s self-assessment, and the recommender’s comfort level with vouching for various skills and competencies.
Interestingly, but unsurprisingly, the responses to this letter reflected a wide range of practices around letters of recommendation. It’s fair to say that there are different standards in different industries. All the more reason for the letter writer and the letter requester to check in with each other, so that no one’s feelings get bruised and, more importantly, so that the application process is more likely to produce the desired result: a job offer.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
