Dear Anna,
I’m 32 and my boyfriend of three years constantly prioritizes other women over me in small but consistent ways, and it’s driving me crazy. He’s a generally nice guy — the kind who prides himself on being helpful and chivalrous — but somehow I’m never the one receiving that treatment. A few recent examples: We were at the airport and he immediately helped another woman grab her huge luggage off the carousel. He did not do the same for me when my luggage came around. At a concert last month, the MC asked people to cheer if it was their first show. He turned to his friend’s girlfriend standing next to him and pointed at her instead of me — even though we were both first-timers. When we’re walking in a group on the street, he always positions himself closest to the road, in case a car swerved too close or something — not next to me. I’ve brought this up at least four or five times over the years, explaining how hurt and overlooked it makes me feel. He always apologizes and says he didn’t realize he was doing it, but nothing changes. I’m tired of being treated like an afterthought. How do I get through to him that this isn’t about jealousy, it’s about basic consideration? — Invisible Girlfriend
Dear IG,
I’m going to be honest with you — but gently.
On their own, none of these examples seem as damning as they probably feel when you’re living them. The luggage thing: Did you actually need help, or did it sting because he rushed to help someone else and didn’t think to check in with you? The concert moment: Awkward, yes, but also very plausibly a split-second reflex toward the person closest to him. The walking-by-the-street thing? I’ve seen plenty of men (and even a few masc women!) do this automatically, without any conscious calculation about who “deserves” protection. It’s less chessboard, more muscle memory.
Not to make excuses for anyone, but if we zoom way out, I don’t see a man who is actively prioritizing other women over you in some nefarious or even particularly meaningful way.
But — and this is the important part — I do see a woman who feels unseen in her own relationship. And when that’s the emotional baseline, small moments don’t land as small.
This is where I think the real issue lives. So let’s unpack that a bit.
If you’ve been cataloging these moments over three years, and you’ve brought them up four or five times, the pain probably isn’t about airport luggage or concert pointing. It’s about a broader feeling of being taken for granted. These moments aren’t the crime; they’re the evidence your brain is collecting to explain a deeper discomfort.
Let’s separate two questions:
1. Are these specific behaviors objectively harmful?
2. Or are they symptoms of a larger pattern where you don’t feel prioritized, cherished, or actively chosen?
Because if the relationship is otherwise warm, attentive, affectionate and supportive — if he shows up for you emotionally, makes time for you, listens, invests, plans and shows care in meaningful ways — then yes, it’s possible you’re zooming in too tightly on moments of thoughtlessness.
But if you don’t feel appreciated or centered in his life, then the problem isn’t that he’s helping another woman with her suitcase. It’s that he’s not reliably showing you that you matter.
And here’s the part that’s valid regardless: If you’ve raised a concern multiple times and nothing changes, that’s frustrating even if the concern itself seems “minor” on paper. It’s not about chivalry. It’s about responsiveness.
So instead of continuing to litigate individual incidents (“Remember the airport?”), I’d suggest one bigger, calmer conversation about the pattern. Something like:
“I’ve realized that in group settings, I sometimes feel overlooked by you. I don’t think you mean to do it, but it affects me. I want to feel like we’re choosing each other when we’re out in the world together.”
Then — and this matters a lot — give him concrete ways to show up. Not vague chivalry, but modern equivalents: checking in with you in social settings, small touches, verbal affirmation, prioritizing you in group conversations, making sure you feel connected. People who are genuinely oblivious often need specifics. (And if the luggage thing really gets your goat, then ask specifically for him to grab yours from the carousel next time.)
Finally, do some honest self-reflection. Outside of these moments, do you feel loved? Do you feel like a priority in his decisions, his time, his future planning, his emotional life? Do you feel chosen when it counts?
If yes, these moments may be irritants worth contextualizing, not deal-breakers. If no, then this isn’t about other women at all — it’s about whether this relationship is giving you the kind of attention and consideration you need to feel secure.
Not every oversight is a red flag. But a persistent feeling of invisibility is always worth taking seriously — especially after three years.
The goal here isn’t to make him perfect. Because nobody is. It’s to find out whether he’s capable of seeing you in the way you need to be seen.
___
(Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!)
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