Q. I served our country, had some serious things happen to me and just could not see through to the other side for years. I did not want to return home and met someone else. I hurt my wife and my family. That is something I live with every day, but I have no desire to reconcile. I try to take an active part in my children’s lives, but my ex constantly interferes, believing that she is protecting the kids’ feelings by stopping our interaction. What do I do? I’m trying as hard as I can, but my ex can’t seem to let it go that I cheated on her and it’s interfering with my relationship with my kids. They are hurting way more now than at the beginning of this mess. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. I know very little about your history, but it seems like what you are saying is you faced some sort of trauma while in the service and feel as if you reacted differently as a result than you might now. Not that you want to reconcile, but that you might have handled the separation differently. Once the dust clears many of us analyze our actions at some point and wish we had taken another path. I know I’m being philosophical here, but that is what is meant by learning from our mistakes. The problem you face is that in the wake of your learning, you hurt the ones closest to you. The trauma we face in our lives does not only affect us.
So the question at this point is how do you get over a hurt this big so that you can successfully co-parent your children? Honestly, that’s two distinct issues — getting over hurt and co-parenting, but they do relate. However, maybe not as much as you think. You can be disappointed, hurt and angry, and still make good decisions for your children. It’s difficult, but you can do it. The key? Both parents must love their children more than they hate each other. That means you must separate the negative emotions you feel from the decisions you must make together for your children.
You might think: That’s easy for you to say. You’re sitting at a computer, not living my life.
I would never diminish anyone’s pain and dealing with betrayal, whether you are the one who has betrayed or the one who was betrayed is difficult on a multitude of levels. It remains. But even though the parents are estranged, angry, hurt and disillusioned, your children need guidance and to feel safe now more than ever. This is the essence of good ex-etiquette and the reason why the primary rule of Good Ex-etiquette for Parents is, “Put your children first.” If you do, although it is not easy when you are facing strong emotions, you can then make decisions in your children’s name and not in retaliation for the hurt that you feel. When all is said and done, that’s ex-etiquette at its best. Hopefully, both you and your children’s mother see that and continue to make your decisions accordingly.
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