Dear Eric: My brother and his wife just had their first child, and the first grandchild on both sides of the family. I am so excited to be an aunt, and love the baby. So does my mom, however she keeps saying something to my brother and I that we both are getting tired of.
She has said on multiple occasions: I love the baby more than you two (my kids).
I think the first time she was trying to be funny. It still did sting, though. She keeps saying it every time there is a get together with the baby, and I even see my brother having an upset look on his face.
I can’t say anything because when I’ve said anything before I’ve been told that I am: “self-centered and make everything about myself” by my dad. And my mom will just say, “Why is everyone on my butt tonight?” I don’t want to cause any problems, but my brother and I are tired of this backhanded compliment, and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it.
– Second Place
Dear Second Place: The way your father spoke to you is very harsh, particularly given the reasonable request to not be triangulated with the baby. It suggests that there’s a pattern of unkind statements being lobbed in your direction, so this “joke” strikes a deeper wound.
If that’s true, you’ll want to think about the parts of your dynamic with your parents that don’t work for you and talk about them separately. You may even want to work on this with a therapist beforehand, so you’re able to communicate clearly and not get sidetracked by debate over the baby comment.
It will likely be more effective for your brother to tell your mom “I don’t like when you talk about my child that way,” than it is for you to protest. But, again, this seems to be rooted in a toxic family dynamic. There’s enough love to go around. If they can’t express that without belittling you, it’s wise to set a boundary with them about the way they communicate.
Dear Eric: Our son received a seven-figure insurance settlement due to our diligence in getting him the best medical care our insurance would afford and a great lawyer. He is getting married at age 41. He expected us to pay for the flights for the happy couple, rent a car for them and “give them a s-load of gas cards so they can explore the southwest and California”. Oh, and “we’re invited to the wedding, too”.
We’ve raised his daughter since she was three months old. She’s almost 11 now and just moved in with him. He didn’t provide a penny for the time she was with us. Her mother is frequently out of the picture.
We haven’t heard from our son in six months since we told him we couldn’t afford to pay for the wedding, plane tickets and hundreds of dollars in gas cards. Our granddaughter texted me two weeks ago asking if I’d bring her lunch and dinner because her dad was out of town for the weekend. We hadn’t seen her in five months.
I still work full time and my 74-year-old husband had to retire due to poor health. We worry about her constantly. We worry about our son with a brain injury and temper issues. We are heart sick at the thought of what’s going on with them. Do you have any advice for us?
– Heartbroken Grandparents
Dear Grandparents: The most pressing issue here is the welfare of your granddaughter. For the last 11 years, you had physical custody of her without parental support. If that arrangement was made through the Family Court system, it may be helpful to talk to your family lawyer or social worker about ways that you can help your granddaughter get the parenting she needs. That might look like filing a petition for physical custody again, this time with parental monetary support. There are other arrangements, as well, that someone with expertise in the field and knowledge of your situation can help walk you through.
You and your husband should discuss whether physical custody is something that you can reasonably take on at this point, given your husband’s health challenges. You’ve done a lot of advocating for your son in the past, which is loving and caring. You don’t have to fill in every gap for him, particularly at the expense of your own health or financial stability.
If he’ll take the call, talk to your son with your concerns. Given what you’ve written about his temper, that may be a difficult conversation. However, being direct with him about what you’re experiencing could prompt him to change or to make use of the resources available to him.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
