Dear Anna,
I’ve been seeing this girl for about two months, and while things have been fun, I’m struggling with how close she still is to her ex. They were together for seven years and broke up six months ago, but it feels like he’s still very present in her life. He even comes over frequently. She has photos of them all over, and her phone background is literally a picture of the two of them. I’ve brought it up and told her it bothers me, but she insists nothing is happening between them. Even if that’s true, it feels like emotionally, she’s still connected to him in a way that makes it hard for me to fully feel like I’m in this. She’s been upfront that she’s only looking for something casual, which isn’t really what I want, but I’ve been trying to keep an open mind. At this point, I don’t know if I’m overthinking it or if this is a sign I need to move on. What should I do? — Second Place
Dear SP,
Your instincts are spot-on: She’s likely not over her ex. Seven years is a long time to intertwine your life with someone, and it takes more than a few months to untangle those threads — especially if he’s still coming over and (my guess is) probably still hooking up.
That’s me projecting my expectations on this scenario, which you are also doing, it seems. But even if we weren’t, let’s separate some facts from fictions.
She’s told you she’s not looking for a serious relationship right now (fact). That’s a pretty clear boundary. And yet, you’re sticking around, hoping maybe something casual will magically transform into something serious if you wait it out (fiction). That’s not a judgment — it’s human. We’ve all been there! But it’s also a setup for disappointment.
Pretending you’re OK with a situation that doesn’t align with your true desires isn’t helping either of you. By staying, you’re not giving her the space to process her grief, decide what she really wants, and move on. And you’re denying yourself the chance to find someone who is emotionally available and ready to meet you where you are.
Imagine this: what if, instead of focusing on what she could give you someday, maybe with enough time and space and healing, you redirected that energy toward finding someone who’s already there? Someone who is equally invested, who isn’t divided by lingering ties to an ex, and who wants the kind of connection you’re seeking. Doesn’t that sound like a better use of your time and heart?
This situation isn’t about blaming her for her emotional baggage or faulting yourself for wanting more. It’s about recognizing misalignment and respecting yourself enough to walk away when your needs aren’t being met. Love — or even the potential for love — requires vulnerability. But that vulnerability is only worthwhile when it’s reciprocated.
It might sting now to cut your losses, but staying in a situation that chips away at your confidence and self-worth will hurt a lot more in the long run. (It’s already started to.) Walking away isn’t a rejection of her; it’s a choice to honor your own needs and desires. Not to mention honoring her boundary.
As the saying goes, “Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.” You’ve only invested two months. That’s not nothing, but it’s not everything either. Letting go now frees both of you to find what you truly need — she can figure out her feelings about her ex without the pressure of someone who wants more from her than she can give, and you can find someone who is all-in, the way you deserve.
Trust that the right connection is out there, with someone who’s emotionally available and ready for the kind of relationship you want. Then, give yourself the chance to find it.
