Dear Eric: I stayed in an abusive marriage for too long, and for a wide variety of reasons, including that we needed my ex’s income and health insurance to cover chronic medical needs.
My now-adult son does not know the extent of the abuse in my marriage because I hid it. Regardless, he is three times more likely to become an abuser himself simply because he grew up in an abusive home.
Sadly, I have heard him berate and insult his lovely wife multiple times. I have made gentle corrections to him following his comments. The last time was at a holiday family gathering. I immediately stated that I spent years planning on leaving his father because of similar treatments, and that I knew he could be a better man and husband. I stated that his wife deserves to be treated with kindness and respect always.
I do not want to be a buttinsky into someone else’s marriage, but I do not want to sit by silently thus perpetuating another generation of abuse/domestic violence. Will I be out of step to have a private conversation with my cherished daughter-in-law and then my son? Please, help me to respectfully parent my adult son.
– Mindful Momma
Dear Momma: Your instincts are absolutely correct. You’re in a unique position to make a difference as your son’s mother and a survivor of abuse. This isn’t meddling; it’s brave and responsible parenting.
Furthermore, your guidance can help steer your son from dangerous learned and observed behavior, as well as protecting your daughter-in-law. As you well know, having someone outside of the marriage who can offer support, protection and resources will immeasurably help your daughter-in-law. It can also help your son to find a pathway to getting help for himself. If you’re looking for ways to start the conversations, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) has a wealth of resources. You can also search for domestic violence intervention programs in your area.
You don’t have a responsibility to “save” your son. However, your desire to offer your wisdom is invaluable. Please, have the conversations that feel safe for you and also talk with a counselor or trusted friend about the emotions this brings up for you.
Dear Eric: I am the aunt to two amazing young people. I have always been a big part of their lives, especially when my brother and their mom divorced. When each of them was born, I opened a savings account in their names and have been steadily adding money in every month.
Five years ago, my brother married a lovely woman with two kids of her own, who we have welcomed wholeheartedly into our family.
My nephew is 17 and is applying to colleges and my 16-year-old niece will be doing the same next year. I always intended the money to go to college, or a car/house if they chose not to go to college. When I mentioned giving my nephew the money for college to my brother and sister-in-law, she said she thinks the money should be divided equally among the four kids.
Now, look, I like her kids. But my niece, nephew and I have a special bond, and they have gone through a lot in their lives. I feel like they shouldn’t have to share this particular gift. I hate what money can do to relationships. What do you think?
– Don’t Want to Share
Dear Share: Agh, money. You’re right: it can create terrible situations, especially in families. But ultimately, money doesn’t tear families apart; people’s behavior and unmanaged emotions do.
Frankly, you can and should do whatever you want with the money. I understand your sister-in-law’s concern for the futures of her kids, but I wish she’d framed it more as a request or, better yet, worked with your brother to help her kids manage any emotions around the gift.
However, it may be best for the maintenance of your relationship to think about creative solutions. The ages of your sister-in-law’s kids might be a factor – if they’re younger and not headed to college right away, perhaps giving the bulk to your brother’s kids and investing the remainder for the other kids is a happy medium.
The amount of money is also something to consider. Is this enough money to cover all of the tuition? Or is it an amount that’s meaningful but wouldn’t meaningfully help with college if split four ways?
In the end, though, this is your gift to do with as you please. Any relatives of your sister-in-law’s kids can also do as they please. You wouldn’t be depriving your sister-in-law’s kids by not giving them a gift they weren’t expecting. But it may save you a headache to consider some alternatives before doing what you want and have every right to do.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
