Dear Eric: I have a mid-20s nephew who appears to be afflicted with a severe case of failure-to-launch syndrome. He dropped out of college after six months, moved in with his mom (my sister), only interacts with peers via gaming and comes across as utterly apathetic and disengaged from the world.
There was a ray of hope when he went back to school and got an associate degree, but he has taken very few steps in the intervening year to find a job in his field. I offered – and he accepted – some resume/job hunting support. But after spending many hours patiently and sensitively trying to help him (I have experience here and feel I did a pretty good job), I came to the realization that none of it is being absorbed or acted upon.
Other family members and I are deeply worried about his trajectory and feel at a total loss as to how to help. It is a very sensitive subject with my sister, who is dealing with her own issues, and I don’t know how or whether to approach her with my concerns. I would love your thoughts.
– Concerned Aunt
Dear Aunt: Sharing your concerns with your sister may be less helpful than expressing support and helping her find potential solutions. You’ve already started down this road, of course, with the job-hunting help for your nephew. But I worry that telling your sister about problems she’s likely already aware of will add more to her burden instead of lightening it.
It would be wise of your sister to talk with her son about getting a job, paying rent to her, and discussing with him his vision for his life. You can coach her through this conversation. But your first priority should be checking in to see how you can help her in other ways.
You mention that she’s going through her own issues. A good first step is just letting her know that you see how much she’s carrying, and you want to be of assistance. Perhaps that assistance is just listening. Perhaps it’s providing support around the house. Perhaps it’s helping her search for a therapist or helping your nephew to search for a therapist or mentor.
Listening is going to go a lot farther than reminding her of another thing she should be concerned about. And, by listening, you may discover another path to help your nephew move through this phase.
Dear Eric: I have a very good friend who has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that has metastasized to her kidneys. She informed me of this in a brief text also saying that she just couldn’t talk to me yet. I’ve sent her comforting gifts and cards as well as texted her a few times with no response.
We taught together on the same middle school team for years. We retired the same day. We met for lunch once a month for the last 10 years. I have only learned from a group email sent by our former principal that she is refusing chemo and any other treatment. She is also not accepting any calls or visitors. Her daughter is staying with her at the moment and her husband is taking care of said daughter’s children in another state.
She and I are from Pennsylvania. I am in Texas for the months of January and February. I left for Texas a few days after receiving this sad news. I continue to send cards with brief notes, which are hard to compose. What should I do? What can I do?
– Friend in Pain
Dear Friend: I’m so sorry for what your friend is going through and I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing, too. This is an impossible situation. But one of the kindest things you can do for your friend may also be the hardest: accept that this is how she’s navigating this period in her life and love her through it from afar.
Some of the ways she chose to communicate – the text to you, the letter to the principal – suggest that the task of updating and engaging with her friends and loved ones about her health is overwhelming. That’s completely understandable. Even though her friends’ intentions are good, she may not be in a place to hold them or respond to them. She may only have the capacity to be with her family right now.
You did the right thing by sending the cards and texts. She may have the emotional fortitude to read them but not the capacity to respond. You may want to write her a letter expressing what she’s meant to you, knowing that even if she is not able to respond, it may help her or her family, and it may help you to process what you’re feeling, too.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
