Ex-etiquette: Son doesn’t want to leave home

Q. My son is 9. His mother and I broke up a year and a half ago. Although we absolutely do not get along, we have been trying to share his time. We exchange every few days. Each time he has to leave my home, I see the happy little boy slip away. Sometimes he tells me he doesn’t want to go, but he can’t tell me why. I told his mother, but she doesn’t believe me. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Don’t get into the ego trap that’s it’s because he likes you best. Because it’s most likely not that at all.

First, he probably hates changing homes every few days and this is exacerbated by the fact that you and mom don’t get along.

I’ve worked with many kids who just can’t settle down, anticipating that they will have to leave in a few days. And the fact that mom and dad don’t talk or continue to fight even though they no longer live together makes their child’s life miserable. Not long after the exchange, the child’s anxiety starts to creep in, and he or she starts to talk about not wanting to go back to the other house.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s telling mom the same thing. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see mom. It’s that he doesn’t want to be around you two arguing and that’s what happens at the exchanges, so he opts to stay right where he is.

Most states regard joint custody as the norm. I know that in California, where I worked for the court system, we often looked at the possibility of an equal custody split. But the logistics of where each parent lived or the hours they worked might have made it impossible.

Still, the deciding factor for me to support an equal custody split was how the parents interacted. If there is extreme animosity, I couldn’t recommend it in all good conscience.

If the parents insisted, co-parenting classes were often required so that they could understand what their continued fighting did to their children. Sometimes it worked; sometimes the parents were so engrossed in their own bitter battle that the welfare of their children didn’t matter. Those parents were wrapped up in their right to have their child half the time, and that’s what mattered. So the kids went back and forth, dreading the exchanges every few days because the two people they loved more than anything hated each other. The children attempted to cope with it until it was time to go to the other home. Then they would refuse to go.