Q. My ex is not a good person. She sends me terrible text messages that the kids have read over my shoulder. They tell me she refers to me as “sperm donor” when she talks to her friends. (They aren’t sure what that means, but they know it’s bad.) Now the kids are telling me they don’t want to go back to her home. We alternate weeks, and this is a real problem. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A.When a co-parent badmouths their co-parent in front of the kids on a regular basis, one of two things can happen. One, the kids begin to identify with the badmouthing parent and follow suit; or the more common response, they reject the one badmouthing.
Children don’t want to hear all the negativity, especially about someone with whom they share DNA. Add their split allegiances because they most likely love the badmouthing parent too, and the only thing they can think to do is opt to stay right where they are. That’s when you hear, “I don’t want to go back.” If they are with the badmouthing parent at the time of the badmouthing, they are planning their escape.
So, what constitutes badmouthing? Referring to their father as “sperm donor” borders on emotional abuse, but there are less negative references that could upset your kids—sometimes because they aren’t sure of what is meant by the reference.
Here’s an example from my own life. My grandson is 8 years old. He overheard his mother and I joking over the phone as we drove to the supermarket, and he commented on how funny his mother was. I agreed and then i said, “But Daddy is quite shy. If you watch him at a party, he says very little.” Would you think that was badmouthing? I certainly didn’t, but my grandson started to tear up and said, “My daddy talks to me.”
I had hurt his feelings. He wasn’t quite sure what “shy” meant in that context and was very upset. I had to ask him, “Honey, do you think ‘shy’ is bad? Did you think I was saying something bad about your daddy?” He shook his head in agreement and there I was trying to sooth my grandson while looking into the rear-view mirror. Afterwards I felt compelled to call his mother (my daughter) and explain what had happened. I knew he would go home and say I said something, and my daughter needed to know the whole story so she could reinforce that I wasn’t saying anything bad about his father.
Co-parents, and evidently, grandparents, must be very careful about the references they use. Children personalize everything.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, always clarify the action by talking to your co-parent as soon as possible. Just like when you hear a child repeat something questionable that happened at the other home, make a phone call. Don’t accuse; ask for clarification so you can reinforce the positive or clarify what was said. That’s good ex-etiquette.
(Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. Email her at Ex-Etiquette at dr.jann@exetiquette.com.)
