Dear Eric: My younger sister, Lucy, and I are both in our 20s and share an apartment.
Growing up, I faced a lot of double standards from our parents compared to Lucy, especially when it came to household responsibilities. Lucy was coddled to the point of depriving her of developing basic life skills.
As adults, I end up picking up the slack just like when we were kids. I also manage all of our bills. She is completely in the dark about how any of our finances work, and my attempts to get her more involved haven’t stuck. In another living situation, she’d be incredibly vulnerable to being taken advantage of, potentially paying more than her fair share simply because she doesn’t know any better.
When I try to have a conversation about these things, she gets defensive and shuts down. I can’t keep carrying everything on my own. I also would like her to learn these things for her own sake, but I’m at a loss on how to approach her in a way that won’t just result in her shutting down again and refusing to hear me. I welcome your advice.
– Oldest and Over It
Dear Oldest: Your care and concern for your sister are admirable. But, with respect, I wonder if you’ve also fallen into the family pattern of coddling her. You have the opportunity to let her learn (and perhaps fail) with a safety net. The gift of this living arrangement could be that she’s with someone who won’t take advantage of her but will hold her to account. However, you’ll have to be less accommodating.
If managing her own finances, she wouldn’t have the option of shutting down. Choose some bills that you want to make her responsibility and then put them in her name. Maybe it’s cable, maybe it’s even something larger. Give her your half of the monthly bill and tell her that you’re trusting her to take care of it. If she can’t or won’t, then the cable gets cut off and she has to figure out how to fix that and how to repair the relationship with you.
This, obviously, invites potential conflict into your living situation, but I’d argue that conflict is already quite present. You’re just managing all of the conflict and swallowing the resentment that comes from it. She is your sister, but she is also an adult and your roommate. Give her the chance to live up to all three of those roles.
Dear Eric: I’m in my 70s and have a friend who’s been part of our group of friends for many years. I’ve always had an issue with how she treats my husband and me when we visit. When we enter her home, we are instantly inundated with her stories and complaints without even so much as a “Hey, how are you guys?” We feel ignored because of her need to constantly talk about herself.
I decided to tell her how I felt. I admit I’d had a couple glasses of courage, and my timing probably wasn’t that great. I “let her have it,” expressing my belief that she needs to work on her hosting skills and the tendency of being narcissistic and ignoring her guests. I did this all the while inserting, “we love you guys” to hopefully let her understand my comments were coming from a place of genuine affection and concern.
She turned on me, calling me pompous and arrogant. Needless to say, we are not friendly right now. It’s very awkward since we live across the street from each other and have a common group of people we socialize with. I never wanted to have this end like it has, but what’s done is done. I know I’m most likely the primary reason this is happening. I could have chosen a neutral location and talked with her about why I needed to have this conversation. My bad.
I’m hoping you might have recommendations on what I should do now that I’ve said my peace, and she is highly resentful.
– Friendship Faux Pas
Dear Friendship: If you would prefer to have things smoothed over – at least to the point of pleasantries – you can tell her what you told me. “I chose the wrong time and the wrong words. I know that I hurt your feelings and I’m sorry.”
A lot of your complaints were gripes about who she is as a person. Even if you’re right, it’s easy to see why she’d be resentful. It also seems that your opinion still stands – which doesn’t bode well for reconciliation.
Still, I think you should reach out to acknowledge what you felt was wrong about your reaction. What’s done may well be done, but you have the opportunity to clean up your side of the street before parting for good.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
