Dear Eric: This is probably an odd question. A very large percentage of the time, more than 50 percent, when I come home from being out (lunch/shopping/whatever), my husband is in the restroom. The powder room is right next to his office and sometimes I’ve tried to open the door, and it’s locked, which seems odd since he’s the only one in the house. I guess it could be a coincidence, but it just seems odd. Is this something to worry about?
– Too Much Rest Room
Dear Room: Nope.
If you’re concerned that increased bathroom usage indicates a health problem, you can ask him. But chances are he just likes to use the restroom while the house is empty.
As to the lock, again you can ask. But if you’re already going around trying to open closed bathroom doors, it makes sense that he’d turn the latch for privacy.
Dear Eric: My family moved out of state to cut ties with my husband’s verbally and emotionally abusive mother. One brother did the same.
The last brother engaged in a horrific divorce, succumbed to drugs and alcohol and lives in my MIL’s basement. My husband eventually took his own life, and so now I live alone in a state six hours away.
My nephew (and godson) has been living in that household, being subjected to this abuse at the hands of his father and his grandmother. I have invited him to stay with me as he keeps calling and crying to me that he wants to be “normal” like my three kids; he wants to “break the cycle.”
I’ve laid down boundaries and directed him to employment openings in my area. My biggest worry is what to do if he messes up? Or starts imitating the dynamics of the family? How many chances should he get? Can you help with an exit strategy?
If he lies, gets fired, drinks, or something I haven’t imagined, can I put him out in a state where he knows no one? He is saving for a car but has totaled two, plus a motorcycle, in the past. Thank you for any insight you can provide.
– Protective Aunt
Dear Aunt: It’s wise of you to think through in advance the different ways that this could go. There are always unknowns when you invite a relative to live with you, plus you’ll be in a de facto parental role. So, boundaries and expectations should be crystal clear.
Consequences should be crystal clear as well. If lying, drinking or getting fired are deal breakers for you, you should tell him that in advance, put it in writing and mutually acknowledge the consequence. And that consequence can be that he has to move back home, if that’s what you want.
One of your objectives is helping your nephew mature and flourish in a safe environment. Understanding consequences is part of that maturation.
As you set consequences, however, think carefully about which behaviors are unacceptable even once and which behaviors are opportunities for improvement. You have to protect yourself, your home and your peace, so I understand your concern. But it’s also helpful to think about the context that your nephew is coming from. He may benefit from both clear, strong consequences and gentle leeway where appropriate.
Dear Eric: This is in response to “Loving But Frustrated Daughter,” whose 92-year-old mother lives in a secluded rural home in the Midwest, very distant from the daughter’s home in Southern California. The mother scolds the daughter when she needs to end what’s been a long phone conversation, and the daughter feels guilty trying to please and support her mother while carving out time for herself and her family.
I have always lived a considerable distance from my mother, grandmother and then a mother-in-law, and “back in the day” we corresponded regularly with written letters and cards. A card or letter received in the mail brightens anyone’s day and can be picked up and reread at the receiver’s convenience and saved for as long as the receiver cares to do so. Letters do not need to be long, and if poor vision is a problem, could be written or printed in larger than normal font. This daughter could send a short letter or card once a week or every two weeks, and could even furnish her mother with self-addressed, stamped cards for the mother to jot a note on and send back.
My older relatives have all passed, but I still cherish the cards and letters we shared for so many years. This might be a helpful suggestion to your letter writer.
– Letter Writer
Dear Writer: Another great suggestion; thank you. I recently met someone who writes their grandmother a letter every single week and the tradition warmed my heart.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
