Dear Eric: I recently took a vacation with my mother-in-law, and we had a miserable
time. It’s causing a rift in our relationship.
I’ve been with my husband for four years now, and in hindsight, his mom and I have never spent more than a few hours alone together. In those times, I’ve seen glimpses of a part of her personality that I found a little difficult, but for the most part, we’ve gotten along fine.
However, we recently took a girls trip together to one of my favorite cities, and to put it frankly, it was awful. She complained the entire time about anything and everything – the hotel, the weather, the food, people walking on the street, the music playing in stores – everything. I spent the entire weekend trying to make her happy, but nothing worked.
By the time the trip ended, I was exhausted, frustrated and hurt. I was excited to show her a place that I loved, and she never even gave it a chance. She was miserable from the second we arrived.
I’m not usually one to suffer in silence, but because I still feel so new to the family, I hesitate to say anything. I’ve been avoiding family events for a month now, but that’s not sustainable. What should I do?
– Trip Gone Wrong
Dear Trip: Some people love to complain, and some people hate having a good time. I’m sorry that your mother-in-law seems to be at least one of those types, if not both. I know it hurt your feelings. For the sake of your relationship, you may want to categorize the trip as an unfortunate lesson you learned about how much socializing you two should do together.
This allows you to say to yourself and to her if you’d like, “well, that wasn’t what I’d hoped for, so we won’t do that again. We can stick to the events where we get along.”
I think it will also help if you forgive your mother-in-law for being such a poor sport. She rejected your offering and some of what you’re feeling is probably rooted in resentment about that. Staying away from family events isn’t going to solve it and only contributes to your unhappiness.
If you can put this trip behind you, you may be able to see other ways of building a relationship with her and, perhaps more importantly, things you should avoid in the future for your own well-being.
Dear Eric: I grew up with family members who made it their mission to tell everybody else how to live their life. Because of this contempt for people who have that insatiable need to control others, I have been dedicated to the concept of minding my own business.
I spent more than two decades as a substance-abuse clinician. Both my niece and then later my sister reached out to me because my niece has been using opiates heavily which cost her a job and almost led to her being incarcerated.
I talked to both of them and laid out a very cogent and reasonable plan (along with psychoeducation on how the brain responds to opiates). My niece went to a therapist once, never went to a narcotics anonymous meeting, never followed up with anything. My sister says everything is fine now, but my sister’s husband also has described an entirely different scenario.
I feel as though my sister invited me into this situation which negates my long-standing principle of minding my own business, but I am very concerned my niece is going to overdose and die. I want to point out the obvious to my sister who’s in denial about the seriousness of this situation and the need for therapeutic intervention now (and possibly medication).
Should I “stick my nose in” despite my demand that she and other family members keep their nose out of my business since she did initially invite me in?
– Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried: You can and should be as assertive as you can be about this. You have firsthand knowledge of the danger that your niece is in and the professional expertise to help everyone avoid catastrophe. You also likely know how harmful it can be for family members to downplay the threats of opioid addiction. They need an advocate.
I, too, like to mind my own business, but here we are in my business-minding column and I’m declaring temporary absolution. You were invited in. Moreover, this isn’t just a difference of perspective, this is a family in crisis.
Anyone trying to help a relative who struggles with addiction should be clear about boundaries, however. You cannot make someone change and it can be very easy to take their resistance personally. Make sure you’re checking in with colleagues or friends; they’ll help you keep your focus on the goal of effective intervention for the whole family.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
