Dear Eric: One of my two daughters is getting married in a very small ceremony in August. It so happens to be on Labor Day weekend. Her sister and her fiancé’s sister are planning a brunch the following day to celebrate this union.
My own sister lives in Florida. When I emailed her (and our brothers) about this event, she responded immediately that, since it is Labor Day weekend, she wouldn’t be attending as she doesn’t go anywhere on major holidays due to crowds and potential flight delays.
I am beyond sad and disappointed. It seems she is prioritizing her comfort over this joyous occasion. I don’t know how to express this to her, if at all. She is something of a control freak, who doesn’t take criticism well at all.
Do I simply let it go, or do I say anything and, if so, what?
– Sad Sister
Dear Sister: I understand the logic of not wanting to travel around major holidays. Your sister does have other options, though. She can come early, if her work allows for it, for instance. She can travel some or all of the way using means of transportation that aren’t planes. Or she can make the trek for family.
Obviously, all of these things are still her prerogative. She may have already thought through the options and still decided to decline. I understand why this is hurtful to you – it’s a small ceremony and she’s close family, so her presence would be missed.
There are ways of talking about this without it coming across as criticism. Start by expressing what you feel – you want her there, you’re sad she can’t make it, et cetera. And then ask a question – is there any way that we can make this work? Would you like my help to make this easier?
An open-ended question allows her the option of engaging or shutting it down. Whereas a criticism would make her feel more boxed in. She may still choose to stay home, but by having a conversation with her that starts with your openness to hear her and respect her opinion, you may find a solution that’s not too laborious.
Dear Eric: A 20-something neighbor we have known since the age of three has recently come out to my husband and me as transgender. We have embraced and accepted “Sara” and are glad she feels able to be her authentic self to us. Sara’s parents, with whom she lives, are unaware of her transgender identity. Often when her parents leave the home for work, Sara will dress in skirts or dresses and walk across our street to visit with my husband and me (we are retired).
We have encouraged Sara to inform her parents of her identity and have advised her to have an exit strategy should the reveal have a negative result. Our concern is for how our neighbors, who we genuinely love, will take the fact that we knew about their child’s transgender identity before them. We have told Sara that we will not “out” her to her parents, but neither will we lie if we are asked.
While we are grateful Sara felt free enough to share with us her identity, this secret is heavy on us whenever we speak to our neighbors. How should we handle the eventual disclosure that we knew long before they were told?
– Mums the Word
Dear Mums: It’s so important that anyone who is sharing a new, potentially vulnerable part of themselves has a safe space to feel seen and cared for before they tell the world. I hope her parents eventually see this as an extension of your love for their whole family.
In the interim, check in with Sara about your anxiety. It’s not her job to manage her parents’ emotions about this, nor is it yours, but being on the same page about the heaviness of the secret may help to unburden you. It may also help to reframe. By providing modeling acceptance for Sara, you’re helping her – and eventually her parents – normalize the kind of security that she deserves in order to thrive.
Reading your letter, I grew curious and potentially concerned that by walking across the street in a dress, Sara runs the risk of another neighbor telling her parents before she’s ready. This is something it may be worth talking with her about.
When you do have a talk with your friends, lead with love and with empathy. Acknowledge that it may be hard for them to find out you knew before them. It’s a vulnerable conversation, but vulnerability is not a weakness. Be patient with them, be consistent and clear about your care for them, and be steadfast in your love for Sara. That’s the message that will outlast the initial shock.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
