Dear Eric: I have a kind, retired neighbor who I infrequently see, but who is always warm and friendly when we cross paths. Nearly a month ago, my wife received a sympathy card from her expressing condolences on my passing, appreciation for what a good neighbor I was and hoping that my memory would be a blessing.
It was a lovely card, but as you can tell from this inquiry, a bit premature.
While we do not know why she thought I was dead, the note came to my wife the week I had some additional surgery for stage IV renal cell cancer with which I was diagnosed six years ago. But the fight goes on!
I pushed away the temptation to ring her doorbell at night in zombie makeup, figuring I would soon drive past her while she was in her driveway or yard and at that time make contact with her and confirm that the reports of my demise are greatly exaggerated. However, no such luck. Her routine is to leave the country at this time of year. I could text her, but I don’t feel rushed to correct the error. Your thoughts?
– Alive and Well
Dear Alive: I’m glad to hear you’re doing well and I’m sure your neighbor will be, too. She might have gotten her wires crossed or she might be having some memory or cognitive issues. It’s not for me to say. But odd as this was, what a gift to be able to read the kinds of loving statements about oneself that are often only shared after one’s passing.
So – and I know this is odd, too – I think you should send her a thank-you text. Since you likely won’t see her for a bit and thus can’t have a face-to-face conversation, a simple text to say that you’re doing well, you saw her lovely note and that you appreciate the thought could clear the air and reinforce how wonderful it is to be remembered, even when we’re still actively making new memories.
Dear Eric: I hosted a small party recently at which a guest (again) didn’t wear his hearing aids. He has done this often enough that I took it personally. I admit it is a pet peeve of mine to have to constantly repeat conversations to him.
When asked why he didn’t wear them, he said he doesn’t need to in small group settings when, clearly, he does. I find this disrespectful of me and others in the group. Am I overreacting and taking it too personally? Does this enter the realm of personal hygiene and thus off limits?
– Host
Dear Host: While it may be inconvenient to have to repeat yourself, please remember that, for your guest, hearing loss is more than an inconvenience. Yes, social situations would go more smoothly for him if he wore his hearing aids, but his choice to forgo them isn’t an insult to you or to others. It’s how he’s navigating the world right now. He may be struggling to adjust to them; he may forget to put them in; he may find them distracting. He is in the middle of his process with them. An audiologist can, of course, suggest ways to make this transition easier for him. But, if you find yourself grimacing as you repeat yourself to him while at a party, try to extend some grace instead of reprimand. This is probably tougher for him than it is for you.
Dear Eric: My dad lives about 10 minutes from me. I love to do things with him. There is one problem: the inside of his car smells horrible. Not from anything in particular, but rather just years of neglect. It makes me avoid trips with him. Should I offer to do a deep clean? How should I approach this? This will take more than hanging a fragrance tree on his rearview mirror. Thoughts?
– Car Odor-meter
Dear Car: It’s possible that your father has become desensitized to the smell or that his sense of smell has changed or gotten less sensitive. So, it could be helpful to gently point out that there’s an odor and offer a simple solution. If it’s getting in the way of your desire to spend time together, better to navigate a semi-awkward conversation, briefly, than to miss out on quality time with your father.
Keep it neutral and free from accusation. “I’ve noticed that the car has taken on a sour odor. Have you noticed it?” and then, “I’d like to help you fix it, if you’ll let me.” While you’re talking, see if you can determine if his sense of smell has changed in other areas. If so, that’s something he’ll want to bring up with his primary care physician, just to be safe.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
