Dear Eric: Several months ago, a group of friends and I planned a vacation trip for this coming fall. We pre-paid the hotel costs, all-inclusive fees and paid for round-trip airline tickets. A few weeks ago, I received a “save the date” postcard from my nephew and his fiancée.
The wedding will be held in a state fairly distant from where I live and is planned on dates right in the middle of my vacation. While it would be wonderful to be with my sister – his mother – and her family for the wedding, I am conflicted about canceling my vacation plans, especially since most everything is paid for.
I have spoken to my sister, and she did not express any anger or resentment about continuing with my plans. I have not spoken to my nephew yet. I don’t believe my other siblings plan to attend either. We are all in our 60s and 70s.
I have always been close to my sister and her family and tried to be present when I can for important events like graduations. So, I feel particularly conflicted about not attending. How should I think about this and figure out a plan to move forward?
– Vacationing Aunt
Dear Aunt: The purpose of a “Save the Date” is to get on the calendar early enough to avoid these kinds of things and, through no one’s fault, that didn’t happen this time. So, I think everyone will understand that your attendance just isn’t possible without the loss of a significant amount of money.
However, their understanding doesn’t necessarily solve the deeper issue: you want to be there, and it hurts not to be able to. It sounds like the conflict is about not having a good choice. So, a path forward is to create another option. What are other ways that you can celebrate your nephew and show your love and support before or after the wedding? Perhaps there’s a bridal shower you can attend or perhaps you can plan a special visit later once the dust settles.
Talking with your nephew will not only ease your mind but will also help you both to think creatively about how to maintain the connection.
Dear Eric: In response to “Grateful Son”, who is concerned about his parents’ anxiety.
My parents developed anxiety as they became older and, like Grateful Son’s, their anxiety increased with age. Their anxiety was difficult. Most troubling to me was that I looked at my parents and became concerned that I was seeing my future. Whether through nature or nurture, I became concerned that I likely received a full dose of their anxiety for my future life.
My advice to Grateful Son is that there may be little that you can do for your parents’ future but there is much that you can do for your future. I visited my physician, explained my concerns and started a very low dose of a very mild anti-anxiety medication.
The first medication that we tried was far too strong, but we found something that seems to be working. I do not want to develop the same anxiety. Grateful Son’s parents may have shown a glimpse of his future and given him the time to create a better future.
– Another Grateful Son
Dear Grateful: One of the many gifts of being connected to older relatives is the knowledge of how genetic predisposition can shape our lives. It gives us empathy for the older adults – and can help us think creatively about remedies or adjustments they’re not seeing. It can also help us make informed choices for ourselves.
Dear Eric: I just read your column about the new neighbor with a rooster that wakes the letter writer up at 5 a.m. I wanted to mention that the first thing I would recommend is for them to check their local ordinances. In many areas, backyard chickens are not allowed. In some areas, chickens may be allowed but not roosters. Is their area even zoned to allow them? If not, they could probably make an anonymous complaint, and the new neighbor would have to rehome the birds, and their problem would be solved. I do like your other suggestions about what to do, but another one would be to get a sleep machine that would help drown out the early morning crowing and hopefully allow them to get some sleep.
– Quiet
Dear Quiet: Great suggestions, thank you! Noise ordinances exist for a reason. Getting help from local government is a great option if conversation with the new neighbor doesn’t prove fruitful. Additionally, a rooster isn’t necessary for hens to lay eggs, so depending on what the neighbor’s objectives are, the rooster may be happier and healthier rehomed in a place with more space.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
