Dear Amy: My very best and oldest friend, “Curt” is getting married to his long-time girlfriend.
I have spent a lot of time with them, and I can say definitively that Curt’s life is much worse since they have been together.
His fiancée is extremely controlling and has him on a very short tether. Recently he told me that she threw a shoe at him in a fit of anger.
I believe this relationship is really bad for him and that his fiancée is an abuser. She has done what she can to isolate him from family members and doesn’t speak to his mother (and is threatening not to allow her at their wedding).
I am worried for Curt and very unhappy about this marriage, which she is pushing him into.
Curt has asked me to be his best man, and I honestly worry that it is unethical for me to stand up in a church and witness this wedding. I can’t imagine composing a speech or a toast.
Am I obligated to take this on?
– Not the Best Man
Dear Not the Best Man: You are not obligated to take this on.
However, I think you should.
Abusers gain their power by isolating the person they are abusing, and they make life so uncomfortable and so untenable that most people back away – or are pushed away. Tell “Curt” what you see and how you feel about it. And tell him that you will always have his back.
Consider this an act of extreme friendship. The way you can justify this is to tell yourself that you are standing up for him, if not for them.
For your speech, describe your close friendship, tell a wonderful story about him, and – sincerely – express your wish for a happy future.
Dear Amy: My son and his fiance “James” are getting married this fall.
When my son first mentioned that they were in the planning stages, we told him that we will be on a cruise from Oct. 17 to Oct. 29 and would not be available on those dates.
At that point the couple had not yet chosen a date.
Our cruise has taken us over a year to plan and save for (I am disabled, and my husband doesn’t make a lot of money), and it is nonrefundable.
Our son told us yesterday that James wants to get married on Oct. 17, as it is the winter solstice and full moon.
We are heartbroken.
James has never liked our family and our son knows that James is being malicious, but says the date is firm.
Should we ask that they reconsider and pick another date?
– Heartbroken in Canada
Dear Heartbroken: Winter solstice is not in October this year (or any year), but in December.
Oct. 17 is, however, the date of an expected “super moon.”
This does sound like an auspicious day to get married, but it also sounds like an amazing night to be onboard a ship, enjoying the massive moon while at sea.
You have already notified your son about this conflict, and he and “James” are steaming full-speed ahead.
Yes, you could ask them once again to consider changing the date, but if they don’t change it, I think you should proceed into your own adventure.
Please, don’t cling to your heartbroken feelings. Write to your son and James. Tell them you are very happy for them, and that you are sorry you won’t be there to witness their wedding. And then tell them that you will raise a glass to toast them under the magnificent moon.
The same moon will shine over all of you; I hope it will help to heal your tougher feelings so that you and your husband will be able to enjoy your long-awaited trip together.
Dear Amy: “Confused” asked about “opening up their marriage.”
You rightly make it clear that most people can’t handle this and that it usually leads to divorce.
As a marriage counselor, I concur.
You did caution Confused well, but I’m wondering why you advise considering taking the leap. It seems like you don’t want to appear judgmental of polyamory, even as the evidence is mounting that it is only harmful to couples, families and our society.
– Also Confused
Dear Confused: I firmly believe in people’s essential freedom to live their lives (within legal bounds).
When it comes to polyamory, my concern is the impact on children. In that regard, in my opinion it seems like a chaotic and very selfish choice.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
