Dear Amy: A little over a year ago, working with my mother’s doctor, I decided it was in her best interests (she has dementia) to move into assisted living.
With help from my spouse, I was able to maintain her unoccupied house for about a year.
We have other elderly relatives in the neighborhood who kept us posted if anything required attention.
A few months ago, it became apparent that mom would be staying in assisted living and so we decided we needed to sell the house in order to fund her care.
All throughout the estate sale and listing the house for sale we kept the relatives informed so they wouldn’t feel the need to maintain constant surveillance on the property.
Luckily the house sold very quickly for a very good price to a nice family. They intend to update and renovate the property.
Happy ending, right?
Well, my dear relatives seem compelled to report every contractor vehicle, every adjustment to the landscaping, etc.
Amy, I have said goodbye to the house and I’m trying to hold onto the many good memories.
I really don’t care to know what’s happening to the house now.
Although well intentioned, I don’t want reports of how they’re maintaining (or not maintaining) the property.
I’m sorry if my relatives aren’t happy with the new owners, but at this point, it’s out of my control.
How do I tell those sweet, elderly relatives that I just don’t want to know?
I cringe every time I see their name on a text or caller ID.
I want to spend the rest of their days enjoying their calls, texts and visits, instead of dreading them.
Your thoughts?
– Moving On
Dear Moving On: I think it’s important for you to decode the intention behind these calls. These relatives believed they were performing an important function by keeping an eye on the house during the year it was vacant. They may need time and some gentle reminders in order to adjust away from this habitual CSI lurking and reporting.
They may also, on some level, be using this intel as a reason/excuse to get in touch with you.
I suggest that you tell each relative a version of: “I appreciate that you watched the house for us before we sold it. But since we have sold it, it now completely belongs to the nice family who bought it. I think it’s great that they are going to make this house their own. I’m happy to tell you that you don’t need to let me know what they’re doing. I know it’s hard to witness that things are changing, but I’m at peace with it.”
And then you should ask them, “Can you do me a favor and not tell me about the house? Instead, I’d like to hear about how you’re doing.”
Dear Amy: This week I received an invitation to a “pre-wedding celebration” for a woman I have never met. It looks like a bridal shower invite, but I honestly don’t quite know.
When my husband got home I shared this mystery with him. Do we know this person?
He finally figured out that this event is related to one of his co-workers and that this woman is his co-worker’s fiancée. Evidently we are going to be invited to their wedding but have not received that invitation. Furthermore, it is unlikely that we would attend.
Am I obligated to attend this celebration? If I don’t attend, should I send a gift? (The registry was listed on the invitation.)
– Puzzled
Dear Puzzled: I have chastised people for accusing marrying couples of inviting people to their various celebrations as a “gift grab,” but I have to admit that, hoo-boy, this sure seems like one.
You are not obligated to attend a party held for a total stranger and attended by other strangers. You are not obligated to give a gift to this person.
The polite thing to do is to give a quick RSVP and hold onto your wallet.
Dear Amy: “Harried Husband” asked about his wife’s desire to accompany him and their three-year-old (and year-old baby) on the kids’ first airplane flight.
If the Mom isn’t a frequent flyer, I’m guessing her toddler’s first flight would be an important milestone in both of their lives.
– Infrequent Flyer (Frequent Reader)
Dear Infrequent: As someone who flies a lot (with and without babies and children) I assure you that this particular milestone is wasted on a toddler.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
