Ask Anna: Can you be friends after a crush?

Dear Anna,

My boyfriend (26M) is still friends with a woman (25F) he had feelings for a few years ago. They never dated or had any physical relationship, and he insists those feelings are long gone. I asked him to unfollow her on social media because I believe in cutting ties with past romantic interests. This is a personal boundary for me, and I expect the same from my partner. If he disagrees, I know there are others out there who would respect my boundary.

I’m struggling with the idea of him staying friends with someone he once had strong feelings for. Personally, I don’t think it’s possible to maintain a platonic friendship in such cases. I’ve been burned in the past and don’t want it to happen again. Can you really stay friends with someone you once had romantic feelings for? — Worried Partner

Dear WP,

I understand your unease. For many people, it can feel squicky when a partner remains friends with someone they once had feelings for (or hooked up with). Such friendships can make us anxious, insecure or jealous. It’s easy for our brains — which want to protect us — to use our past experiences as proof, to convince us we’re about to be hurt again, and to take measures against that.

However, it’s also important to remember that past situations don’t necessarily predict the present or future.

Your boyfriend has assured you that his feelings for this friend are long gone and, perhaps more to the point, he hasn’t given you any reason to doubt his commitment or integrity.

Unfollowing or unfriending this person may seem like a solution, but it isn’t a fail-safe against cheating. Trust and open communication are far more effective in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Before we get into the platonic friendship debate, let’s talk a little bit about boundaries versus control. Boundaries are limits we set to protect our emotional, physical or sexual well-being. But healthy boundaries aren’t about changing someone else’s behavior or way of life.

When you tell your partner what friendships he is and isn’t allowed to have, that’s not a boundary — it’s control.

You might say, “But I need this to feel safe!” which may very well feel true, but a similar rationale gets used to justify unhealthy behaviors, like tracking a partner’s every move, going through their messages or monitoring their online activities.

(I’m not putting you in that camp, btw, just using an extreme example to make a point.)

Your boyfriend was friends with this person before he met you. Trying to impose limits or restrictions on that friendship now — without justifiable cause or reason — is not setting a boundary; it’s controlling behavior. This can lead to resentment and harm the relationship more than the original issue.

That said, what can you do to feel more safe and secure in your relationship?

Start by having an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings. Express your concerns without making demands. You might say something like, “I feel uneasy about your friendship with [her name] because of my past experiences. Can you reassure me that we’re good? And can we talk about how we can both feel comfortable and secure in situations like this?” This approach invites collaboration and understanding rather than creating an ultimatum.

Maybe he gives you a sneak peek into his DMs to show you they’re harmless. Maybe the three of you meet in person for coffee, so she becomes a (normal, flawed) person to you, and not a threat. Maybe you start seeing a therapist to help you heal from your past relationship traumas.

Remember, your boyfriend’s actions and reassurances are what count in this situation. He hasn’t given you a reason to distrust him, so trust him! And focus on building a strong, communicative relationship.

P.S. It’s entirely possible to remain friends with someone you were once interested in. People change, feelings evolve, boners wane. It doesn’t stop the feelings of unease, I understand, but you can’t let the past control the (entirely different) present.

Originally Published: July 24, 2024 at 12:47 p.m.