Dear Eric: I took a DNA test with an ex. The child is five. My ex gave me issues about it for years but finally caved in. We remained friends. Now that it’s verified that I’m not the child’s father, what do I do?
The mother didn’t even show up in court for the results. Do I reach out?
She has four other kids I’ve built a great bond with over the past six years. Even though we’re no longer intimate, I offer my assistance, visit, call, etc. Do I disappear?
When I meet my next person, how do I explain this? My ex didn’t want a relationship, and I love her and the kids. I want a family. They want to forget about me. I just want to do the right thing.
– Confused Paternity
Dear Paternity: It sounds like your ex is communicating the boundary that’s most healthy for her right now and you should respect it. That doesn’t mean disappearing but rather acknowledging to her that you see the distance and asking what, if any, contact she wants for you and her kids. Then follow that.
I’m sure this is painful and I’m really sorry. You’ve built relationships with these kids. It will be hard to grieve that, and I’d encourage you to talk about the feelings of loss with friends or loved ones you trust. Even though the child was not yours, there was likely a big part of you that felt connected as a father would be.
However, something has happened between you and your ex that indicates a lot of mixed messages, at the very least. She gave you “issues” about the test and didn’t come to the results hearing; is it possible she knew you weren’t the father, and you weren’t ready to accept that?
People are sometimes only in our lives for a season. It will help you, your ex, and her kids for you to process the feelings you have about the dissolution of this relationship before attempting to reconnect.
Dear Eric: I am a recovering alcoholic who has thankfully been sober for more than three years now. I’ve had to go through many consequences for my actions through that turbulent period of my life and am happily through them and moving forward.
I’ve lost a few close friends from childhood who witnessed the whole thing, and I admit that I said some pretty mean things during that time. They, understandably, decided to “ghost” me completely and ceased all communication with me a year before I finally sobered up. It hurt to lose their friendships so suddenly, but I came to understand that I was at fault and accepted their decisions.
Focusing on career instead of just partying has led me to a burgeoning success in my field and I am beginning to reap some real spoils. Spoils that I enjoy sharing with family and friends as I have always been very generous. Since word has spread that I’m in a really good place now, some of those who “ghosted” me are now trying to come back into my life. I hold no anger toward them whatsoever, but I find myself doubting some of their intentions.
I don’t resent any of them but accepting the consequences of losing their relationships is a big part of my recovery. Decisions were made and they should be respected and, in my case, learned from, for all to move forward in our now separate lives.
I attempted to make amends earlier in my recovery but none of them acknowledged they received my apologies. And I have no desire to keep beating myself up by repeating my apologies. Do I owe any of them an explanation for my decision to not reply to their requests to meet up to catch up?
– Ghosted
Dear Ghosted: If welcoming these people back into your life is going to trigger you, or add to a narrative that threatens your sobriety, it’s fine to stay away. You don’t owe them an explanation more than “it’s best for my recovery that we stay apart.”
But I’m seeing some unresolved feelings in your letter, particularly about their resistance to your amends. Do you really not resent them?
Try to separate the narrative about your present professional success from the narrative about these fractured friendships. You all have unfinished business. You write that they “understandably” ghosted you but ask yourself if that’s something you really do accept.
Similarly, talk to your sponsor about the incomplete amends. No one is required to accept an amends. But now that they’re re-establishing contact, it will help you to be able to acknowledge what you did wrong and talk with them about how you can find resolution. Then, you can decide if you want to continue on together or go your separate ways.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
