Dear Eric: My parents are retired and enjoying the empty nest stage of life. They have a rather large home and my mother’s mobility has been severely hampered in the last few years.
They refuse to get rid of the things that no longer serve them. My mother over buys for everything and at times I think she forgets what they already have and just buys more, never cleaning out what she already has.
My siblings and I are growing extremely frustrated as there are rooms in the house that are no longer able to be moved through or are overrun with stuff from decades ago.
We have offered to help clean areas out; we’ve offered to hire a professional organizer to get the home in order and create a safe environment for them. They refuse all help.
We’ve also explained to them that we do not believe it is fair that they are going to leave this large home of stuff for us to clean up one day, not knowing what may be important or an heirloom, and they tell us to just throw it all away.
We love our parents dearly, but we are also extremely frustrated with how cavalier they seem to be when it comes to putting the burden of cleaning all this up on us when they are gone when we are more than happy to help now. Your thoughts would be deeply appreciated.
– Overwhelmed by Clutter
Dear Overwhelmed: If you believe that the clutter in the house poses a safety risk and they’ve refused your help, it may be time to reach out to the hoarder task force at your local fire department or seek out other municipal resources to pay your parents a house call.
They can assess the risk (to your parents and to any paramedics/fire fighters who might have to come into the home to help) and provide solutions.
There’s a separate issue here, however, and it’s an anticipatory frustration that may not really be something your parents need to deal with. You’re envisioning how hard it’s going to be to clean up after them, which is understandable from a logistical standpoint. But they’re still living their lives; this is still their stuff. So, it’s not really fair to characterize them as cavalier about what happens after they’re gone, when they’re still here and enjoying post-retirement life.
If you’re worried about missing some heirlooms, ask them if you can walk through the house with them and hold on to some things for safekeeping.
Today’s problem is the clutter. The figurative tomorrow’s problem is disposing of everything. Let tomorrow’s problem stay tomorrow’s problem.
Dear Eric: About a year ago a good friend lost her mother at an advanced age. Six months later she lost a brother rather suddenly to cancer. We’ve been friends for decades and are now both retired. We’ve seen each other through everything.
Her mom was a huge challenge. Uncooperative, unsupportive, critical; my friend is everything her mom was not.
When her mom was going downhill physically my friend was taking care of her. During all this, I was the sounding board for my friend. Every detail. Every procedure, argument. Same when her brother passed.
I was more than glad to be there for her. Unfortunately, not long after her brother passed her cousin’s wife also passed. About the same time, I lost a good friend. It was especially hard. By the time the cousin passed I was full up.
I know grieving takes time and everyone is different. When I resisted any more minute-by-minute details about the cousin, I was told I wasn’t a good friend. Am I really a bad friend because I just did not want every detail again? I miss her but I don’t miss walking- on-eggshells conversations.
– Eggshells
Dear Eggshells: You both were under a lot of stress and also grieving. It’s easy, and common, in those moments to say the wrong thing or to take something the wrong way. We have to give each other grace.
It’s also reasonable and healthy to know when you’re at emotional capacity. Sometimes we have to find the right words for it, like “I want to be there for you, and I understand that this is hard, but some of the details are overwhelming me. Is there another way I can help, or can we revisit this later?” It’s also fine to say, “you’re going through it, I’m going through it. I don’t have much to give right now and maybe you don’t either, but can we just sit with each other?”
If you can, let the experience be water under the bridge. Reach out to your friend. Tell her you miss her. Ask her if you and she can start again.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
