Dear Eric: I am a 53-year-old widower who has been dating the same guy for more than a year. Fred is 56 and has been divorced for more than 10 years.
Three months after we started dating, he announced that the weekend trip we were planning on going on was off because he could not find a suitable sitter for his three cats. I told him that I was disappointed, so he compromised and decided to take the three cats with us!
Fred spent the entire weekend playing with the cats, brushing the cats, talking with the cats and he spent an hour trying to coax Mr. Whiskers from under the bed.
Fred talks nonstop about his cats; on the rare occasion we go out, he’s constantly checking his security cameras to see what the cats are doing. I’m beginning to think that Fred cares more about his cats than he cares about me. When I told Fred that I felt that he was spending too much time with his furry friends, he got angry and hung up the phone. He hasn’t called me in three days. Should I call him and apologize, or should I wait for him to cool off and call me when he’s ready?
– Cat’s Out of the Bag
Dear Cat’s: Fred’s relationship with his cats is much longer than his relationship with you. So, even though you’re a human and they are regal beings who graciously tolerate humanity, you’re at a bit of a disadvantage. They’ve provided emotional support and company for Fred, presumably since his divorce. Perhaps even longer than that.
His challenge is going to be figuring out how to fit a relationship into his life. And he should do that work. But if you give him the ultimatum “the cats or me”, you’re not going to win. Nor should you. When we start dating someone, we date the whole person – the good, the bad, the furry, et cetera. Some of those things are going to be deal breakers.
If this relationship continues, I doubt he’ll be less obsessed with his cats. So, you have to decide if you’re willing to be in a relationship with someone who acts this way. This is who he is. If it’s worth it to you, then you should apologize and tell him the truth. “I want to feel valued in this relationship. I’m not trying to separate you from your cats. How can we work together to build a life that fits us and also your love for your cats?”
Dear Eric: After asking my adult son “John” and his girlfriend “Joy” for their permission, we invited Joy’s parents over for dinner, to meet and get to know them a little. We entertain a lot, so this invitation was easy for us.
Our kids have been happily living together for two years; they’re wonderful together and are planning to get engaged very soon. We love Joy!
Joy’s parents accepted our invitation, and everything seemed great. But suddenly John and Joy are terrified that my husband and I and her parents won’t like each other and that the evening will be awkward and awful.
Even when I reminded John that we’ve had people over for dinner regularly for many years and never had an awful dinner here, they are still terrified. John wants us to tell Joy’s parents we decided it would be better to meet “in a neutral place” like a restaurant, in case we want to cut dinner short.
How can I invite them and then uninvite them and have it not be awkward? We would never think of asking them to meet us in a restaurant and certainly wouldn’t suggest it after they accepted our invitation. If we don’t hit it off, we all still went in with open hearts and good intentions, no harm, no foul.
When the time comes, we intend to respect our kids’ decisions with their weddings, their babies, everything, but doing what they’re asking here feels like we’re insulting Joy’s parents right off the bat. What do we do?
– Rescinded Invite
Dear Invite: Your invitation seems kind and reasonable and, ultimately, doesn’t have anything to do with Joy and John’s anxieties. So, don’t change your plans. You can ask your son and his girlfriend what the root of their concern is, but you’re allowed to have anyone you want over to your home for dinner without their say.
Do they think that Joy’s parents won’t like you for some reason? Is there unspoken embarrassment on one side? Do they fear Joy’s parents will judge your home or be intimidated by it? They should say that so you can make an informed decision about how best to be a gracious host. Or they should let you four adults work it out on your own.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
