Dear Eric: I don’t consider myself a “square” but I’m having a hard time reconciling some relationships. My cousin‘s family now owns a weed store and even sells THC-infused food they can consume while in the store. My good friend did LSD at her son‘s wedding. I feel very judgmental about their choices, and I don’t know if I should change my relationships with them or just compartmentalize this. Do you have any advice?
– Drug Free Me
Dear Drug Free: Compartmentalize, if you can. It’s not “square” to have a different relationship to substances than others do. It’s a matter of personal taste and personal choice; yours is valid, as is theirs.
One thing to ask yourself, however, is how their choices are affecting you, if at all. For instance, if your cousin’s family owns a weed store and you don’t smoke weed, I presume you’re not going in to visit. If they’re not hawking their wares at family events or pressuring you to help them meet their sales quota, then this sounds like something you don’t have to think about.
Similarly, I’m curious what impact your friend doing LSD at her son’s wedding had on you. To me, that sounds like a pretty overwhelming experience for her, what with the celebratory busyness of a wedding and the drug’s effects. But I’m not her and I didn’t have to do the LSD. I wasn’t even invited to the wedding. Even if you were invited, I’m not seeing an indication in your letter that the choice impacted you personally.
You are perfectly within your rights to hold your opinions about drug use. However, when opinions transform into judgment, we get into trouble. If you find yourself unable to live and let live, it would be wise to change your relationships, acknowledging that you’re doing it because their choices are incompatible with the choices you want them to make.
Dear Eric: I have a friend of about 10 years. We see each other three to four times a month. Frequently this is for a dog walk in a park or hiking trail. Also, we go to events, museums and dinner. My issue with my friend is that she frequently cancels at the last minute or is late. I am not that person. One could say I am a little OCD about timeliness and keeping my commitments.
One time she mentioned that two of her friends were angry with her because she canceled a lunch date at the last minute. I didn’t say anything. However, the next time I saw her I mentioned that I had been thinking about her issue with her friends and sometimes felt the same way. Her behavior has not changed, and I am not sure exactly what to do.
My friend is very social. I am much more of an introvert and need “me” time. Is this friendship doomed?
– Friendship Questioner
Dear Questioner: It’s only doomed if you decide it is. This isn’t meant to put the onus on you. Friendship is a two-way street. However, you’ve known her for 10 years and see her multiple times a month, so there are parts of her that you’re aware of and, presumably, accepted in the past. We all change over time; maybe some things you didn’t mind in the past now grate. It’s helpful to acknowledge that.
I’m curious if, in your conversation about the issue with her other friends, you asked her to try to be on time when she met you. It’s, of course, not your responsibility to coach her into better time management, but sometimes we have to be explicit about what we need to feel respected and cared for in a friendship.
She has a different understanding of the message lateness sends to you. To her, it could simply be the capriciousness of fate or “just one of those things.” Whereas for you, it’s more than an inconvenience; it’s rude.
So, talking to your friend about this will help. But so will asking yourself if you can keep accepting that this is who she is.
If you know she’s likely to be late or cancel – and that this may be a feature of her personality, or it may be an executive functioning issue – you might be able to temper your expectations and avoid disappointment or frustration. Similarly, if she knows that you value punctuality, she may be able to plan better or communicate farther in advance.
This would be especially useful if she has executive-functioning challenges. Chances are she knows she’s frequently late and there’s anxiety that comes knowing that this frustrates friends but feeling helpless to prevent it. A conversation where you put it all out in the open might give her the tools to make smaller changes that can salvage your friendship.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
