Dear Eric: Since retiring, some friends have put together a band. I went to one of their gigs a couple years ago, and recently a practice session.
They would clearly like me to go to more, or all, of their gigs. The gigs are typically at night, an hour from where I live. I am a morning person. After years of commuting, I am happy to drive as little as possible. I enjoy being with a friend or two but put me in a room full of people and I am ready to go home. Many of the activities I enjoy are solitary, and I cannot remember ever asking anyone to come out and support anything I do.
I love these people and feel like I have to start going to their gigs. I can tell them how great they sounded. And I know the whole time I will be wishing I was home. Any advice on how to proceed?
– Friend of the Band
Dear Friend: Good on you for trying to show up and support your friends, and good on you, in advance, for advocating for what you need and staying home when it suits you.
When giving a performance, or running a marathon, or really anything that would be enriched by an audience, it’s important to right-size the expectation around support. Some friends and members are very willing to show up whenever and wherever to cheer us on. And that’s great. Others, like you, might find that they’re just not the right audience. And it’s fine to give what you can – attendance at a few gigs – without overextending yourself.
Your friends presumably formed the band for the joy of playing. And part of that joy comes from being seen. It’s healthy for them to remember that not everyone they love or care about will be their target audience. And that people can cheer them on from home.
In the past, when I’ve written to people who’ve felt an obligation to support a loved one’s creative endeavors (or written to a loved one who is feeling unsupported), some readers have responded that it’s always our duty to show up and support. After decades of public performances in other areas of my life, I see support as more multi-faceted. I want to perform for people who want to be there, and I understand if it’s not the right gig, venue or even day for someone else.
Try to address the pressure you’re feeling head on, in a non-charged way. “I’m excited you found this, and I think your music is really great. Coming to live shows is hard for me, but I hope you know that it doesn’t diminish how proud I am!” And even if you don’t show, the best advertisement is word-of-mouth, so tell someone else who would really enjoy a night out.
Dear Eric: I would add something to your good response to Beleaguered Mom.
Her daughter went through substance abuse and self-destructive behaviors as a teen. In her early 20’s she was close with her adoptive Mom. Things went “sideways” shortly after Mom and Dad left to sail around the world.
I worked in treatment foster care for 12 years as a social worker and program director. Sadly, it is not uncommon for adoptees to struggle to come to grips with why their biological parents couldn’t or wouldn’t care for them, or ask “Who am I really?” or “Will I end up like them?”
Mom’s reference to the daughter’s biological parents’ “history of mental illness and substance abuse” is a red herring. Despite extensive research, geneticists cannot point to any genes – singly or in combination – that significantly correlate with “mental illness.” Mary’s behavior is better explained by her struggles with adoption, than by genetics.
A clear thread appears to run through Mom’s account: Mary struggles as a teen with adoption issues; she recovers with Mom’s support; Mom, having become very close with Mary, literally goes “to the other side of the world” and Mary lashes out at her for removing a crucial part of her support system, just when she finally felt secure.
No wonder Mary exploded at Mom for her bland suggestion that she see a therapist. What Mary really wants is closeness with an essential part of her support system that helped her emerge from the other side of her drug and self-destruction crisis.
Mom could, as you suggested, use therapy. Grasping how important she truly is to her daughter could help her to deal with Mary’s outbursts, and to find ways to reassure her daughter that she will always be there for her.
– Family Care
Dear Family: Thank you for this insight. The inner workings of a family system can be so complicated. We impact each other in ways of which we’re often quite unaware.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
