Asking Eric: Friends want to stay with my parents, even when I’m not there

Dear Eric: I live in a small town about five hours from my parents, who live in the biggest city in our state. They have a beautiful home with a great downstairs room that is perfect to stay in when I visit. My father has Parkinson’s, so I make it up close to every month to hang out and try to make life for my mom a little easier. Sometimes I’ll go up with a friend for a concert and my parents welcome that person or persons with open arms, cooking meals and letting us use their house.

But lately some of my friends who have joined me on these trips have now become buddies with my mom and are asking her if they can stay up there without me. Now the first time this happened, the friend called me and asked if I was OK with him asking, but the second time it was a different friend wanting to stay there with his girlfriend and he never asked me.

For some reason it feels like being taken advantage of and I let him know that I wasn’t comfortable with the situation and felt like there needs to be boundaries. In the aftermath they treat me like I’m the bad guy because my mom was OK with them staying so they blame me for making it “weird.” Am I in the wrong here and should I just let my mom deal with it or is it good to set some boundaries?

– Full House

Dear House: Boundaries are great, and boundaries are internal – they’re guardrails that we set for ourselves regarding what we will and won’t accept or do. Other people don’t have to follow our boundaries, however. When they don’t, there can be consequences, but boundaries aren’t edicts.

So, it’s good that you expressed the way you felt – otherwise you’d be stewing. And, honestly, I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable to ask your friends to check in with you before crashing with your parents, even if it’s just a heads-up. But we can’t force other people to behave in the ways that we want. If your parents don’t feel taken advantage of, then it’s best to let them play host when they so desire, trusting that if it was an inconvenience, they’d say no.

There’s no bad guy here. Weirdness happens; weird feelings happen. I wish your friends had been able to see your point-of-view and talk it out. But it’s not too late to circle back with them and reset.

Dear Eric: This is in reference to “Caring Friend”. As a physician I disagree with your advice to the writer with a friend experiencing intermittent blindness who will not get medical care because they experience claustrophobia in MRIs. Either way, this will not end well for the writer. If the friend dies, the writer will feel long-lasting guilt for not pushing harder. If the friend suffers further damage, the writer will be blamed for not being a stronger friend.

The writer needs to send the friend a note (or, better yet, an email so that there is a record) saying that they will no longer be in contact unless the friend sees a physician.

Physicians face this type of dilemma every day. Patients don’t take our advice yet blame us for the consequences. We are used to this (though still affected by it) but, at least, we have detailed records to support our advice.

– Reader

Dear Reader: If the letter writer severs the relationship with their friend, who is clearly experiencing some medical trauma and anxiety, and the friend dies or gets worse, having a written record of their separation is going to be a cold comfort. There are other solutions, both medical and personal.

Dear Eric: I am an anesthesiologist in Boston. While not the point of the letter from “Caring Friend”, I wanted to let the writer know that MRIs can be done with sedation for patients with indications (i.e. claustrophobia, pain causing an inability to lay still or flat, delirium/dementia, et cetera). I did one today with sedation. It is definitely more common at bigger institutions but should be an option at almost any hospital that has an MRI machine and an anesthesiologist. They may not want the MRI for fear of the diagnosis, or some other reason as opposed to the claustrophobia, but this option does exist.

Best of luck to this person.

– Another Option

Dear Another Option: Thanks for writing. Many readers responded to this letter with stories of their positive experiences with open MRIs – as was suggested in the column – or sedation, as you’ve recommended here. I hope the letter writer will feel empowered to help the friend explore other avenues for medical care as they seek answers to their troubling symptoms.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)