Dear Eric: My daughter is having her fourth child. She wants to name him after her brother who died of suicide three years ago. I’m not sure I’m ready for that but everyone says let her commemorate her brother. I don’t know how I’ll feel holding this baby and calling him by my son’s name. It still hurts and I cry when I think about him. I don’t want that feeling passed to my grandson unintentionally.
– Still Grieving
Dear Grieving: I’m so sorry for the loss you’re enduring. Grief’s shadow is always longer than we think it will be. It comes at us, seemingly, out of nowhere sometimes.
Your daughter is processing her grief by keeping your son’s name alive. That’s a lovely gesture but it also makes sense that it doesn’t work for you right now.
Asking her to choose another name for her son won’t solve anything for either of you but see if you can come up with a nickname that you can call him. Ask for her help and blessing in this. Maybe it’s his middle name or maybe it’s something else altogether. You and your daughter can create something special that holds space for your grief while making room for the love you’ll have for your grandson.
Dear Eric: I have recently noticed a disturbing trend during road trips with my wife of more than 30 years. As we visit our college-age children at their campus, we regularly face car rides of three hours or more. I willingly drive, and that’s my wife’s preference as well, although she would take a shift without issue.
After a short time, she will retreat to her phone. I will try to continue a conversation, but I will get short answers and no attempt at real participation. We have a great marriage, and communication is not an issue, nor is phone use a problem during other moments.
I get that she is trying to make a boring car ride go quickly; and I don’t need help staying awake, navigating or maintaining concentration on the road. I will inevitably put on a podcast or music and life goes on. However, I find myself annoyed and think the behavior is slightly rude. I feel there is an unwritten rule that if you ride “shotgun”, your role is to engage with the driver. Am I off base here?
– Lonely Driver
Dear Driver: Ah, shotgun. The vice president of the car. A hallowed position, ruling over the music, the navigation, but never the air-conditioning. As with any other vice presidency, the role of shotgun is what you make it. Personally, I appreciate occasional navigation help but prefer to choose the music myself. If you want your wife’s engagement, ask for it. That said, if you’re just as happy putting on a podcast, let the unwritten rules go and consider these college car trips down time with low stakes. A Camp David for shotguns, if you will.
Dear Eric: I am a recently retired divorced man in his 60s. I’ve been divorced for 15 years and during this time I was affected by severe erectile dysfunction which, after consultations with urologists, can only be corrected with a penile implant. I’m not yet willing to take this step.
I’ve accepted my situation. Because I’ve decided against an implant, I’ve stopped seeking any romantic relationships. For years I’ve been questioned why I stopped dating or seeking a new relationship. I’ve even been asked if I’m gay, which I’m not. Many of these questions come from longtime friends or their wives. I’m not sure how to respond without sharing the details of my situation. I wish to be able to respond in a polite manner that will end the questions and speculation.
– Single By Choice
Dear Single: “I enjoy my own company;” “I like to sleep in the middle of the bed;” “I don’t want anyone around spoiling TV shows for me;” “Baseball season tickets are cheaper this way;” “After my divorce, I found I was quite happy, and I don’t see any reason to change that.”
Well-meaning friends will poke and prod, particularly around relationships, with good intentions. Sometimes it’s an indicator that they see a problem you don’t; other times it’s an indicator that your choice doesn’t square with the way they live their lives.
Either way, you can tell them, kindly, “buzz off; I’m fine.”
Now, at the risk of being a well-meaning prodder, I want to point out that not every relationship involves sexual intimacy. If you desire romantic companionship, apps, dating sites, or even in-person meet-ups can help you find a person who understands erectile dysfunction and may not even want intercourse herself.
But if what you desire is exactly what you have, I support that wholeheartedly and I’ll buzz off.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
