Dear Eric: I am the grandparent of a now 24-year-old grandchild. Starting in high school and continuing through college he was not fully engaged – he did not turn in homework, missed classes. In steps “helicopter grandma” (a high school counselor and former teacher) who is unable to accept this.
What followed is eight long years of torment on both sides.
He did (with my nagging) graduate from high school and college. During the two years after he graduated, we had several talks about my behavior, and I apologized several times for being so controlling. He seemed to accept my apology and even seemed somewhat grateful.
All of a sudden, nine months ago he “ghosted” me and his grandfather (who is completely innocent). I contacted him several times asking him to at least tell me why he decided to remove us from his life and have never heard back from him.
I continue to send the occasional chatty text messages like nothing is wrong but do not get a response. My husband tells me his silence is all the answer I need and to let it go. I just wish he would tell me directly why he has eliminated us from his life and maybe give us a chance to reconcile.
– Hopeful Grandma
Dear Grandma: Eight years of “torment”, even with your good intentions, is a lot to put aside. As your grandchild has come into his own as an adult, he’s probably started to view your relationship differently. Maybe that’s fair, maybe it’s not – right now it’s not useful to debate the efficacy of “helicoptering”.
While you apologized, it’s likely that every time you send a chatty text like nothing is wrong, he hears the helicopter blades approaching because something is wrong for him.
Give him space for now. Estrangement is rarely truly out of the blue. Maybe he doesn’t feel emotionally capable of setting a healthy boundary with you right now. Maybe he’s got pain that he can’t communicate but also can’t forgive. It’s maddening not to know. You don’t have to let it go, but let it be what it is for now.
Stop the texts. If you have his address, you may consider sending a letter with no requests in it. Try “I know you’re hurting and I’m sorry. I am going to respect the boundary that you’ve set. If anything changes for you, I’ll be here.”
Dear Eric: When my husband’s parents died, he and his brother, Jim, each inherited several million dollars. Jim’s daughter, Carol, has always spent more than her income because she expected a big inheritance. When Carol was bequeathed just $10,000 by her grandparents, she was angry but didn’t change her spending habits.
Five years later, Jim unexpectedly died. Jim had told Carol that she would receive his share of the family money but when his will was read, we learned that he had spent most of his inheritance. Again, Carol got very little cash.
Now Carol wants my husband to give her the “family” money as a monthly stipend and to leave most of it to her when he dies. My husband plans to leave Carol a modest amount of money with the bulk of it going to me with the understanding that when I die the money will go to our charities.
Carol has a career that pays well. She is years away from retirement and could get herself out of debt if she chose to do so. She’s not lazy but she really loves the trappings of wealth, having believed since childhood that she will eventually inherit millions of dollars.
As my husband’s last living blood relative, he would like to maintain a cordial relationship with her. He’s afraid telling her the truth will end any possibility of that happening.
– Inherited Obligation
Dear Inherited: If Carol is willing to sever their relationship over money, I wonder how much cordiality there is to preserve.
Frankly, I feel for her a bit. She was raised with an expectation that her father didn’t deliver on. Carol was promised millions from Jim but her only inheritance was his unhealthy relationship with money.
That’s not your husband’s responsibility to clean up, though.
Your husband should have the honest, possibly hard conversation with her now. He may want to avoid conflict but think of it this way: Carol still has an opportunity to adjust her spending and ensure a financial future that’s not dependent on a windfall.
But if she doesn’t find out about his plans until leaving the reading of his will, it will only reinforce the upside-down narrative she’s been believing her whole life. And should your husband predecease you, it puts you in a terribly awkward spot. Carol may not like the truth, but she can’t afford not to hear it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
