Asking Eric: Hurt feelings, half a century later

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law, Suzy, married John 51 years ago in a state distant from where we lived at the time. I am married to John’s older brother. I was seven months pregnant with our third child, and we were living paycheck to paycheck at the time, which made spending money on travel and accommodations a burden.

But the real reason I did not want to attend the wedding was because John did not choose to include my husband, his only brother, in the wedding party. He chose a cousin to be his best man.

There was never any discussion at the time of the wedding regarding his choice and our excuse for not attending was that it was just too much of a financial burden with the baby on the way.

Now our granddaughter is engaged to be married and Suzy told her that we did not attend their wedding. There has never been a falling out between the brothers before or since the wedding. Since the wedding, John and his cousin rarely see each other.

I question Suzy’s motivation for telling our granddaughter and her fiancé that we did not attend their wedding. I am not asking what Suzy’s side of the story was, but since Suzy feels it relevant 51 years later to let my granddaughter believe her grandparents were uncaring relatives, is it time to tell Suzy it was hurt feelings that kept us from making the sacrifice to attend?

– Wedding Guests

Dear Guests: Ideally, this wouldn’t be an issue for either of you. It’s odd, verging on inappropriate, that Suzy is bringing it up half a century later. And she certainly doesn’t need to involve your granddaughter in it.

However, I don’t see the use in relitigating it with her. If she chooses not to go to your granddaughter’s wedding because you didn’t attend hers, that’s behavior that she has to own.

Ask your granddaughter if it’s really meaningful that Suzy attend. If so, you can have a conversation with her with the intention of clearing the air. “I understand that you have some feelings about us not attending your wedding. I’d love for that not to interfere with my granddaughter’s wedding. So, can we talk about it?”

It sounds as if Suzy and John may not be big parts of your granddaughter’s life. If that’s the case, she may be simply trying to stir the pot. That’s something neither you nor your granddaughter need to be caught up in.

Dear Eric: My 80-year-old sister (I’ll call her Jane) doesn’t have much faith in doctors but is free with her own remedies for everyone else’s ailments (mostly vitamins, herbs and supplements). We used to refer to her as Dr. Jane behind her back because she had a vitamin for every health problem.

Jane developed problems walking and is now in a nursing home. It turns out Jane has been taking eight B-100 vitamin supplements a day for years. The percentage daily value of vitamin B-6 in one pill is 5882 percent. She has no feeling in her lower extremities whatsoever and we doubt she will ever walk again.

My brother tried to suggest to Jane that the vitamins were the likely cause of her problem, but Jane is adamant vitamins can’t harm you. She is running out of money for the nursing home bill and is going to have to sign over her house and go on public aid. We have been shielding Jane from the fact that she’s most likely going to lose her house. Should we go ahead and tell her?

And please tell me how to handle myself when she tells me vitamins had nothing to do with her condition. I am going to have a hard time keeping myself from screaming “you did this to yourself!” I love my sister but dealing with her situation is difficult.

– Not the Remedy

Dear Remedy: There are more pressing issues for Jane, and for the family, than who is right about proper vitamin intake, so I’d advise that you not engage with her about that at all. There are already enough doctors providing “Dr.” Jane care and counsel. Stepping into the debate, even just to express your frustration, is only going to cause upset. There’s no upside.\