Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We both came out of long previous marriages (more than 20 years each). I have three adult children and he has two.
My husband is an only child and doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents. My children’s father passed away suddenly three years ago and since then they have become a lot closer to us. We tend to see them a lot more than he sees his kids. My children are very close, they do almost everything together with their spouses. My husband can’t seem to get why my children do a lot together and always invite us to come along and want to spend so much time with us. He says he’s glad his children aren’t like that.
Oftentimes when I want to do something with my children, he doesn’t want to. So, more than not, we don’t go see them. My husband’s job takes him out of town here and there. I take that opportunity to go to dinner at one of my children’s houses or spend the day.
For some reason this bothers my husband. He will say to me “why do you always have to see your kids when I’m gone?” I have explained to him because most of the time he doesn’t want to, so I’m taking the opportunity while he is away. I have asked him several times why this bothers him. He can’t seem to give me a real answer.
Now he is starting to get sarcastic with me about it. As he leaves to go out of town he will say “now go see your kids” It’s getting old. Is there something I’m missing?
– No Kidding
Dear No Kidding: Your husband needs to knock it off. It’s possible he genuinely doesn’t understand why you want to be close to your kids, but it’s hardly an outrageous thing to want. His peevishness crosses the line, though. What business is this of his?
If I’m being generous, I’d say maybe he’s envious. That’s OK. But he needs to express it in a different way. Or – and this is preferable – he needs to deal with that envy on his own and make amends to you. And you can tell him that. “My relationship with my kids is very important to me. I accept that this isn’t something that’s important to you, even though I wish it was different. If there’s something that’s really bothering you, I want to know. However, I don’t want to debate it anymore. Can you agree to that?”
Dear Eric: Over time and with a lot of effort, I worked to build a life I love, with a job I enjoy and great friends, and now I am very happy. Just when I assumed I’d be single forever, I met a partner who I adore.
But my best friend absolutely refuses to acknowledge that I am happy in my new (work) situation and happy in my new relationship. Any time I even try to mention either or talk about anything remotely related they change the subject. This is so hurtful to me.
I can’t tell you how many life milestones I have celebrated and been supportive of with this friend – relationships, relationship drama, a cheating issue, in-law issues, kid issues, work drama, etc.—and I have always tried to be supportive.
Now that I’m in a good place, it feels that our friendship is very one-sided. We talk about what they want to talk about, but they don’t ask me any questions about my life or future. They refuse to acknowledge I am in a different place now.
I’m so hurt that my friend won’t try to talk to me about my current life. I would like them to be a part of my life moving forward but how is this possible under these circumstances?
– Unsupported Friend
Dear Friend: Some people are only happy when it’s raining on you. These foul-weather friends are – perhaps unknowingly – either addicted to the drama or so attached to their own unhappiness that any joy on your part feels like a threat.
Every friendship goes through its changing seasons. Good friends will reacquaint themselves with each other as time goes on. Change is often hard, especially if someone has something unresolved inside. But your friend needs to see you for who you are now.
Have a state-of-the-friendship conversation at a time when you’re feeling calm and centered. Avoid “you always” language. Give specific examples of times when you didn’t feel supported. Ask them if they’re seeing something that you’re not, but don’t be afraid to challenge them on the way they’re perceiving your life. If they can’t celebrate and support who you are now, then your friendship may be best as a thing of the past.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
