Dear Eric: Twenty years ago, I married a man who took care of me and my kids. He tells me he loves me, brings me flowers and supports me.
The problem is, he doesn’t want to be physical with me, and it is tearing me apart. I am not asking to go to the moon; I am simply asking for some physical TLC. I have asked, cried, you name it. I don’t want to twist his arm to show me some love.
I tell him I am lonely, can we get a dog for some companionship, and his reply is always no, they are too much work. So, he gets what he wants out of life, while I suffer each night being alone on my side of the bed.
Do I just sit there and spend the rest of my life crying each night, or do I leave him so I can have a chance at finding someone else to hold me at night?
– Lonely At Night
Dear Night: You don’t have to ask permission to be loved affectionately. You don’t need his approval to be happy or to fill your life with the things you need. Marriage is a shared path walked by two individuals. Sometimes, ideally a lot of the time, you’re in sync. But you’re still your own people.
So, if you want a dog, get a dog.
More broadly, if you want a different version of your marriage and he refuses to meet you there, you can talk to a marriage therapist together, or a religious leader, or counselor. But he has to be willing to show up and to open up. If he’s not, he’s giving you the message that his wants are more important than your wants. And that’s not true.
Tell him that you love him but that this has reached a crisis point. Because you love him, and because you love yourself, you want this to work. But it needs help to work. There’s no shame in seeking marriage therapy. It’s rare that a couple can solve all their problems on their own. But you need a neutral third party to help you both figure out why the things he values are so different from the things you value and find a path back to each other.
Dear Eric: My family and I live near each other, which is great on many fronts. However, they all like to pop in unannounced, which I do not like. I have asked them many times to please check with me and not just pop by, but they say, “it’s just how it is in the family” and keep doing it. I think it’s disrespectful and it really bothers me. I love my place and don’t want to move, but I’m considering it because it happens a lot. Any advice?
– Tired of Pop-Ins
Dear Pop-Ins: They say it’s just how it is in the family but you’re part of the family, too. So, that excuse doesn’t hold water. Maybe this willful disregard for someone’s wishes, particularly about their home, is part of some larger family dynamic. Maybe they’re just choosing this one area to be jerks. Either way, one option for preventing pop-ins is to refuse to answer the door. Yes, it gets a little ridiculous, sitting inside while a relative knocks, especially if they know you’re there. But just because you’re at home, doesn’t mean you’re home for them.
The boundary of a person’s home is not a hard one to respect and you shouldn’t have to assert it so forcefully. Declining to let them in when you don’t want company preserves your space and, hopefully, prompts them to reevaluate this “family trait.”
Now, what if they have keys? Call a locksmith.
Dear Eric: Your question and response concerning “Nervous” who didn’t feel safe riding with her friend appeared in our local newspaper on the very day my husband and I took the AARP Smart Driver course. I highly recommend it. It is a six-hour class, and most insurance companies offer a discount for three years upon completing the course. You don’t have to be an AARP member. Although the class is offered online, I recommend taking it in person. “Nervous” and her friend could take it together.
– Smart Driver
Dear Driver: Thank you for writing, many people wrote in to sing the praises of the Smart Driver program, which can be found at aarpdriversafety.org. Additionally, others wrote to remind the letter writer that state Departments of Motor Vehicles often, if not always, have ways of anonymously reporting unsafe drivers. If the letter writer doesn’t feel comfortable talking with the friend, this is an option, albeit one that will take longer, which continues to put the friend and others at risk.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
