Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married 26 years. Our children are 25 and 22 and live with us. Over the years we have had plenty of arguments and came very close to divorce immediately after my youngest was born. We attended counseling for a while, but it didn’t really change anything.
In recent years, every little argument sets my wife off like a light switch. Her anger immediately elevates to the point where she screams at the top of her lungs with total disregard for me, our kids, or our neighbors. When I tire and turn away, she hovers over me continuing her barrage. Three weeks ago, a senseless argument escalated to the point where she threw a heavy glass bottle and a metal cup at my head. She missed but then dug her nails in my arm.
I backed away knowing physically defending myself would only make things worse. My kids came running and managed to keep her back and talk her down. She left for work and to this day has yet to address her actions. This was the second time my wife physically attacked me with her nails, the first time having occurred many years ago.
I have no interest in ending my marriage, unhealthy as it is, but I am concerned that she has not taken any responsibility for her actions and never apologized. Furthermore, I feel certain she is capable of attacking again and if she does, what do I do?
I know any suggestions on my part to her will be immediately shot down. What should I do?
– Not Looking Good
Dear Good: This marriage is abusive; you are in danger but there is help available. You’ve written that you don’t want to end your marriage, so I’ll suggest other options, but the priority needs to be your health and safety and that may only be possible with separation.
Please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) and share with them what’s happening. They can reflect back what they’re hearing and walk you through options to protect yourself. Abusive behavior escalates and it sounds like your wife is a danger to you, to your children and to yourself. So, the first thing to do is to put some space between you and her. That may mean she leaves the house temporarily; that may mean you and the children leave the house. Talk to the trained responders at the Hotline and to trusted friends about your best, and most easily accessible option.
Do this for yourself, but also for your children. Though they are adults, this is still a traumatic environment for them to be in. The things they’re witnessing and experiencing will have long-lasting effects. You don’t have to live like this. Your wife is capable of changing, but she has to want to change first. In the interim, you shouldn’t have to suffer.
Dear Eric: I have several friends with whom I enjoy getting together. Sometimes it’s a day trip, other times it might be lunch or a movie. My concern is that it’s never anything initiated by one of them. Weeks will go by, and if I contact the person, she is always happy to hear from me. If I suggest a meet-up or a day out, she seems delighted and grateful that I thought of her. Yet, the invitation never initiates with her.
Can you explain why this seems to be a pattern with these individuals? I find myself becoming more and more resentful because I seem to be doing all the research and planning and they are just along for the ride. At the end of the day, literally, they always say (and act) like they’ve had a good time.
By the way, if it makes any difference, none of them know each other; they are individuals I know in different contexts.
– Planner
Dear Planner: The problem with being a good planner is that everyone always wants you to make the plan. It’s easy for friendships to fall in a planner/go-along-with-the-flow dichotomy, especially if the other person is more passive or less adept at initiating social interactions. So, try not to take it personally. Oddly, it’s kind of a compliment. Your friends so enjoy the things you think of, they don’t feel the need to contribute in this way.
Start by readjusting the shared expectation. This will take some baby steps. The next time you’re together, set a date for your next outing and invite them to make the plan. By leading the charge on setting the date, you’re handholding them into the shallow waters of event planning, and then you release them, empowered to actually plan the thing. Sometimes friends need permission or an extra nudge to show up in ways that reflect mutual appreciation.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
