Dear Eric: My son is 35 and his new girlfriend of three months is 32. They’re both very smart. They are both very well educated. She’s funny. She’s smart. I really enjoy my time with her except for when she falls into these pits where she talks about him like he’s not there and puts him down. She says things like “Well, I told your son to do this and, of course, he didn’t” or “I told him this he didn’t think that was right and, of course, I was right, and he was wrong.” He laughs it off, she laughs it off, and I change the subject and laugh it off.
But it’s not funny to me. I have my own experience of living with a manipulative person who started small and grew, too. Basically, controlling my whole life.
She really likes me and aside from this I like her as well.
I don’t want to overstep my bounds at all. What should I do? I’m just uncomfortable with it and I don’t know what to do.
– Uncomfortable Mom
Dear Mom: As it’s only been three months, your son and his girlfriend are still learning their relationship, and you’re still learning your relationship with his girlfriend. So, this is a great time to define a boundary for yourself and incorporate it into how you and the girlfriend interact.
Because she’s directing her comments to you, it’s not overstepping to tell her “This isn’t a way I like to be spoken to about my son. Let’s find a different way of talking.” It can be gentle but firm. It need not create conflict. She may come from a family that needles or teases. She may have seen relationships where this behavior was modeled. That doesn’t mean that it has to stand, especially with you.
It’s up to your son and his girlfriend to define how they want to communicate with each other, but you’ll be setting a good example for both of them if you clearly communicate to her what you’re hearing and what might be getting in the way of more closeness. She may think she’s joking, but she’s misreading her audience, and you should tell her that.
Dear Eric: My mother is 90. Years ago, I moved 800 miles away for college. Since then, I have visited my hometown at least once a year. I am now 63.
We talk on the phone weekly or biweekly. My parents are divorced. I have no relationship with my father.
My mom has always favored my brothers financially. One brother for at least $100,000 over the years, the other somewhat less but still substantial – new cars, medical bills and other things.
I am proud that I pay my own way. But the inequity hurts me.
When I tell my mom I am hurt, she just looks at me and says I would do the same for my son. Well, after the recent death of my brother my mom needs to update her will. She just told me she is thinking about leaving everything, around $500,000, to my niece.
I am so hurt. The reason she wants to cut me out of her will? I don’t need the money. Again, I am left feeling less than. And I find it is more than I can deal with. I am fighting tears constantly, feel unloved, like the afterthought, marginalized. And just so darn hurt.
I want to go no-contact. She has shown me many times over the years I am last. How do I cut her out of my life at this point? How do I forgive, again? How do I move on, again?
– Hurt Daughter
Dear Daughter: Somewhere along the way, in your family, love got conflated with money. And it sounds like your mother is using that conflation as a way of controlling or, at least, affecting the relationship you have with each other.
While you can’t change the value of a dollar, these particular dollars hold so much more value to you because they’re representative of your mother’s regard for you and, by extension, your sense of worth. It’ll be useful to explore with a therapist or a trusted friend what happens when you start leaning into the idea that you have enough. Ideally, it will lead to the idea that you are enough, which is true with or without money.
It’s unclear if going no-contact will solve your larger issue. And forgiveness may be too complex right now, especially with no indication from your mother that she feels there’s anything for which to be forgiven. But if you can get to a place where you believe that you don’t need this money to prove that you’re worthwhile, your mother’s power over you will diminish and your relationship will change.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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