Dear Eric: I own a nice home with a pool. I have friends that often call me to ask me if I want to go lay out in the backyard or sometimes, they’ll just call and ask if they can come over to use the pool. My issue is when I have people over, I feel obligated to entertain. Even though I know I don’t need to feel obligated, and they don’t expect anything, I’m really getting increasingly uncomfortable with people inviting themselves over to my home.
I think they feel that because we’re good friends they should feel comfortable inviting themselves over, but I think friendship goes both ways and they should respect the fact that this is an imposition on me many times and it puts me in an uncomfortable position to have to say no. If I’m doing stuff around the house, it’s uncomfortable for me to have people in my backyard.
I have no problem saying, “sorry not today it’s not a good time” but why do friends have to put me in this position? It’s rude and not something I would ever do to someone.
Any suggestions how I can get them to stop once and for all and just wait for an invite?
– No Lifeguard On Duty
Dear Lifeguard: I have to admit, I would be that friend. Guilty as charged. I’d be in your Ring cam with a swimsuit and a platter of hoagies every weekend. I think that when friends put in pools, we can sometimes see it as a community invitation. Which, of course, it’s not. I’ll leave the hoagies and be on my way.
It’s good that you’re able to let your friends know when you’re not up for guests. I’d say take it a pre-emptive step forward and tell them essentially what you told me. “Pool season is coming up and I hate having to say ‘no’ when the pool isn’t available, so would you do me the favor of not inviting yourself over this year? I can’t wait to get together when the time is right for everyone.”
Dear Eric: If I can’t remember if I sent a sympathy card to someone, what’s the best thing to do? Send or not send?
– Schoedinger’s Card
Dear Card: Send it. There’s never too much human kindness.
Dear Eric: I started a new job this year at age 58. I am working at a position which is much lower in wages and responsibilities than the last job I had. I know that my current colleagues will question my advanced age once they find out how old I am. All the others are around 20 to 38 years old. Only one boss is 50.
How do I get away from feeling useless and too old to contribute to this working environment? My wage is $10 less than my old one as I had a difficult time securing employment and was off for two years, due to Covid and the economy. Please give me advice to navigate this.
– Hard Work
Dear Work: Your worth isn’t determined by your wage, it isn’t determined by your job, or your age or even how good you are at your job. I know these truths can be hard to remember sometimes and they don’t always seem true in competitive workplaces or tough job markets. But you have value beyond what your paycheck says, all of us do.
There are a few strategies for navigating the situation you’re in. Your mileage may vary with them, but hopefully one or two stick.
First, remind yourself that what your coworkers think about you is none of your business. People rarely think about us as much as we think they do, so they may not be asking questions about your age. Or they may see it differently. They could be intimidated by it. But, good, bad, or indifferent, what they think is none of your concern.
Additionally, beyond your hiring manager, it’s unlikely that anyone knows your employment history, your wage history or the struggle you’ve had to find a new position. So, you have an opportunity to share what you want and to keep everything else to yourself. This isn’t an act motivated by shame. Rather, you are the author of your own narrative. Often, when we have struggles, we feel defined by them. But you get to pick what parts of your story – and the wisdom you’ve gained along the way – to share.
Lastly, know that you’re not alone. Many people have struggled to find meaningful work in the last few years; many people are struggling to find it now. Every time you start to feel down on yourself for what you’ve experienced and where you are, see if you can turn it around into gratitude and pride for making it through.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
