Dear Eric: My dad passed away three years ago. He lived about 10 hours away from me but near my sister.
Sis and Dad have always been close. I had an OK relationship with both of them, though she and I have never been close. She took on most of his care and I tried to visit a few times a year.
Dad had a paid-off house worth about $250,000. To make probate easy, he “sold” the house to my sister when his health declined. He had said we were to sell the house and split it four ways between me, her and two step-siblings when he passed. Both steps had no contact with him for several years, so she asked me if I minded leaving them out. I said OK.
She sold the house, said she didn’t get much because of issues it had and sent me $10,000. I tried to be OK with this, but a bit more would have been nice. Yes, she deserved more for the time she put into his care.
I found out through a cousin that, after selling the house, my sister paid off her own house, bought her and her daughter brand-new cars and sent her grown daughter and grown grandchild on European tours. I think the part that gets to me is she lied to me. I guess she didn’t have to technically send me anything because it was in her name.
Maybe if she would have told me differently, I wouldn’t have minded as much. But telling me she didn’t get much out of the sale hurts knowing it had to have sold for more than $150,000. I just wonder now if I should say something to her? I am trying to be OK with this, but that was a slap in the face to me. Should I reach out, or let it lie?
– Left Out Sister
Dear Sister: First, the legal: you could, if you want, consult an estate attorney to see about the possibility of suing your dad’s estate. From your description, this could be tricky as much of what was agreed upon seems to have been spoken, instead of written, and the house was in your sister’s name. But if it’s bothering you, that is an option.
However, I think a conversation with your sister – whether or not you talk to an attorney – is going to be more productive. There are some parts of this story that you can check out on your own – the sale price, for instance. But it sounds like what you need most is a way to understand the new shape of your relationship with your sister. Yes, the money is important, but the grief from your father’s death and the confusion around the inheritance have created wounds that money wouldn’t fix. So, talk to your sister. Try to have a conversation that is focused less on accusation than it is on finding some peace for yourself and, perhaps, a new foundation for your relationship with her.
Dear Eric: My 15-year-old granddaughter recently texted me to say “Grandma, I am a lesbian.” I was only mildly surprised because her mom had told me before that she had a “girlfriend”. I texted her back and said whatever she was, I would always love her. And I asked her how long she had known. She said “for a while now. I’ve dated boys and girls, and it just feels better to date girls.” Less than a year ago, this granddaughter bought a T-shirt that said, “I love my boyfriend.” She had dated boys from the time she was about 12. I am just wondering if she is really lesbian or afraid of being with guys?
– Confused Grandmother
Dear Grandmother: It sounds like your granddaughter is still exploring what, and who, is right for her. This is natural for teenagers, and folks of any age. The way she identifies may continue to evolve throughout her life. You’re already doing exactly the right thing: assuring her that you love her for her and will be there for her no matter what.
Even kids who are sure they’re straight have shifting relationships to dating. They might be gaga over one person one day and over another person the next day. All of us get to know new parts of ourselves through love relationships and those discoveries can be surprising, and sometimes confusing. By continuing to listen to her, to show up for her, and to reply with love, you’re letting her know that you’re a safe adult she can confide in and go to for advice on dating or anything else she has questions about. That’s the most important kind of relationship for her to cultivate right now and it will continue to benefit you both as life goes on.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
