Dear Eric: My husband loves going to the gym since he has retired. But he goes at 11 p.m. or 12 midnight. He said that going at that time there are just a couple of people there and he has access to all the machines, which is fine. The downside is that when he comes back home at 1:30-2 a.m. the garage door or the lights or the door just opening wakes me.
I have asked that he move the gym time earlier, but he doesn’t understand why this bothers me and why I wake up. I think it’s because I hear something while I sleep and then I awake. Once awake I look at the time and it’s 1:30 a.m. or 1:45 a.m. and then I realize why I wake up. I know he tries to be quiet, but I just hear this in my subconscious and just wake up.
By the time I fall back to sleep it’s 3 a.m. or 3:30 a.m.and I wake up at 4:20 a.m. to start my day and go to work. He is retired and can go anytime to the gym, and I still work. I go to bed at around 10:30 p.m. but the broken sleep is just killing me.
– Not Working Out
Dear Not Working Out: I don’t know what kind of bodybuilder utopia you live in, but I’d wager that the gym is as empty at 2 a.m. as it is at 11 p.m., if not more so. So, see if your husband will go later, not earlier. This would have him getting home at the same time as you’re waking up.
You can also try wearing earplugs and a sleep mask, to help preserve your slumber.
He’s got to compromise with you, though. He may not understand why his noise wakes you up, but that doesn’t make it any less of a fact. He’s enjoying the privileges of retirement, and that’s great, but being free of a 9-to-5 isn’t the same as being free from courtesy and empathy in a relationship. Be firm about this – if he won’t work with you to find a solution, ask him why.
Dear Eric: My son is now a senior in high school but since he was a young boy, I could see that he was not really into school. He gets Cs and Ds and doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. I know that he is very smart, though.
My husband and I have been saving for his college education and I have been telling him that he can go to whatever college he wants.
He is an exceptional artist and his art, drawings, paintings are really good. I told him it is an excellent hobby but getting a degree is what he needs. We are a lower middle-class family. I just want him to have something better than what my husband and I have.
His cousins are all in college. One of them is in an Ivy League college and another is studying to be a doctor. The last time I mentioned college to my son, he said that he’s planning to go to a community college for two years and see what he wants after. Should I let him decide for himself? I’m afraid that when he is middle aged and struggling in the future he might regret that he didn’t pursue an education that would have made him financially comfortable. What should I do with the college fund we saved for him? Should I just give it to him? He is our only child.
– Confused Mom
Dear Mom: What a wonderful gift you’re giving your son. If you can, try to release your expectations from the gift. Comparing your son to his Ivy League-going cousins in the family is only going to make him feel trapped. A college education is important, but it doesn’t guarantee a life of financial stability. I completely understand and affirm your hopes, but there are other possibilities.
See him for who he is, champion that person, and teach him how to play to his strengths.
Talk with him about what he would want if there were no expectations on him. Explore options for getting a degree in art. It could lead to professional success in graphic design, branding, interior design, art education, film or hundreds of other fields.
Also, talk with him about taking a gap year. Don’t give him the college fund for this year, though. Getting real world experience – either at an entry level job or internship – before going to school will help him hone his vision for the future and make more strategic choices. I know you want a straight path to financial well-being; that’s commendable. I say this as someone who went to school for playwriting and is now writing to you from your newspaper: life will surprise you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
