Dear Eric: My ex-husband and I were on fairly even financial footing when we divorced. Our incomes were similar, and we split the assets almost down the middle. He was a lazy, selfish, philandering husband, but he’s a decent dad. Losing that 200 pounds of deadweight has freed me up to focus on advancing my career. My income has doubled, while his has remained relatively stable. He doesn’t know what I make now; I know his salary because it’s public information.
Our child is headed for college this fall. We agreed in the divorce that all of our kid’s expenses would be split evenly between us. I’ve been saving and have/will have enough for my half of the tuition. However, the kid earned enough in scholarships that I can easily pay 100 percent of their remaining expenses myself. I suspect that even half of the reduced college expenses will be a hardship for my ex. (I don’t know – or need/ want to know – how he planned to pay his half of the full tuition if the kid hadn’t gotten such significant merit aid.)
I have two options: Pay my half, and stash whatever is left into a fund for the kid’s grad school or first home or whatever launch assist they might need when the time comes. After all, I have extra because they got scholarships, so they should benefit in the long run, right? This also enables me to respond to any unanticipated expenses that might arise.
Or offer to cover a larger share, even all of it. That will mean less/no money left at the end for easing the transition into adulthood. But it will mean my ex doesn’t have to take out loans (I assume?) to meet his obligation. Saddling the kid with student loans is not in the cards.
Thoughts?
– Splitting the Bill
Dear Splitting: Option A, I beg of you! Firstly, not all public information is need-to-know information. I’d lump your ex-husband’s salary (and general financial state) as squarely in the Don’t Need to Know category. Thinking through all the angles is kind of you, but we can overstep with kindness, too. Keeping your eyes on your own wallet will be healthiest for you and for the separation.
Secondly, there will definitely be other expenses in your kid’s future. Unexpected Costs is the name of the game in your 20s. So, having a fund to help ease the journey through college and into early adulthood will be incredibly helpful.
Dear Eric: My sister-in-law cannot seem to get my name right. I first married at age 20, in 1973 when you pretty much just took your husband’s last name, and so I did. I went on to have a long teaching career, in which you pretty much just go by “Mrs. Smith.”
My first husband died of cancer after 42 years of marriage. Four years later, I found love again and remarried.
Honestly, having been known as “Mrs. Smith” for all those years as an educator, it had become my identity. I had that name over twice as long as my maiden name. So, I didn’t change my name when I married.
I’ve been married to my new husband for almost five years now and have continued to sign my name on every card, every return address, every document, everything, as “Mary Smith.”
My sister-in-law continues to address cards to me as “Mary Jones.” She has to know that is not my name, I include my “Smith” name on the return address of every card I send.
I should also say that she and I probably have differing opinions on most things, including religion and politics. We never discuss either in family gatherings, keeping things superficial but congenial when we are together.
Another birthday card arrived, addressed to “Mary Jones.” How wonderful she remembers my birthday. How annoying that she addresses it to someone that I am not. (It is, in fact, the name of my husband’s aunt.) Do I continue to ignore what has become to me an irritant, or should I bring it up at some point?
– Name Games
Dear Name Games: Bring! It! Up! (Imagine me chanting that like I’m an audience member on a game show.) It might be an oversight; it might be an intentional slight but either way it’s not your name. “I’ve noticed you address me as Mary Jones, but I didn’t take [husband’s] name. I’m glad you’re so eager to welcome him to the family. But no need to update your address book. The love is the same, no matter the name.”
It may feel like you’re breaking the unspoken rule about treating each other’s differences with congeniality, but this isn’t an opinion. It’s a fact. Your name is your name, and she can learn it. In fact, she already did, years ago.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
