Dear Eric: My husband and I are seniors. We no longer host Thanksgiving and other holidays, as our youngest son has taken that on willingly. I still prepare a variety of dishes and baked goods which we take to his home.
He has a lovely, blended family now, and everyone converges to enjoy food and time together. It gets very loud, especially when the younger adults become more “animated” as they consume alcohol, which can become overwhelming, but we just roll with it.
This past Thanksgiving, a good friend of ours suffered a terrible loss. She was going to be alone, so we invited her to spend the holiday at our home. I told my son and his wife, and offered to host the whole group, stay home with a party of three or bring our friend along.
Their response was “the more the merrier”.
Now, after the fact, I am getting snarky comments from my son and daughter-in-law about how quiet my friend was and how she didn’t fit in. This friend expressed how much she enjoyed the holiday, even though it was very noisy, but insinuated she’d like a return invitation.
I told my son, and he suggested that I just say no. I told my son we could always stay home while the friend visits. He indicated it wasn’t acceptable because “who would make the sides and bake?” I have no qualms about sending sides and baked goods if our friend returns. But I don’t like being put in a position of feeling like I have to choose between helping a friend and the big group. Your thoughts?
– Return Invitation
Dear Invitation: You son’s reaction is needlessly callous, to you and to your friend. Surely, he wants you there for more than just your sides and baked goods. (Also, not for nothing, but Thanksgiving is a meal dominated by sides. Are you basically making and transporting the whole feast, sans turkey?)
I’d revisit this conversation with your son, letting him know how his comments felt to you. Tell him that the only sides you’re choosing are food related. And see if he’ll change.
The family togetherness is wonderful, but if the boisterousness is overwhelming and the invitation comes with more small print than a car commercial, it might be time to take a year off.
I can’t imagine one quiet person in a full house could really bring down the mood. If it did, perhaps the blame falls more squarely on the hosts than the guest.
Dear Eric: I’m so enjoying reading your column! Thank you! The letter “Unhappy Holiday” was from the mother traveling to the UK to spend holidays with her husband’s family, who is distressed that her sister-in-law has planned an event with only her husband and child, not inviting the letter writer’s family, too.
I would love to add that it’s reasonable and perhaps even wise on large, family get togethers for breakout events to occur. It may be important to the sister-in-law to have some time with her immediate family – for everything to not include the whole, big bunch of people.
I’m glad you encouraged the letter writer to seize the reindeer by the antlers and make her own plan to visit Santa with her kids. Thanks again for your column and the balanced, humane advice you give to us readers.
– Reader
Dear Reader: Thanks for writing in and your kind words. I can’t overstate how useful it can be to have a little timeout on a group vacation, particularly with family. Breaking into smaller groups, perhaps along family lines, perhaps mixing and matching, is not only more manageable logistically, but it allows for the likely possibility that not everyone has the same energy levels, interest in activities or social tendencies.
Dear Eric: In response to the concern of “Unmarried Daughter’s Pop” that his daughter and her live-in boyfriend were not combining their finances, I would suggest that she may be making a very wise choice. The boyfriend tends to spend money frivolously. She may be protecting her money from his choices.
When my husband and I married 40 years ago, he made more money than I did and made what seemed to me to be frivolous money choices. I didn’t want to have arguments about money so suggested we keep it separately. I grew to earn much more than he did. We still kept our money separate, contributing equally to joint expenses. We have never had an argument about money. He has grown less frivolous with money as he has less at his disposal.
– Wise Choice
Dear Wise Choice: Thanks for sharing your experience. As your situation illustrates, every couple has to figure out money management strategies that work for them. Not combining works for many, for all kinds of reasons.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
