Asking Eric: Should I ask ‘Mary’ about her new beard?

Dear Eric: I have known “Mary” for almost 10 years. We have a strictly business/professional relationship which requires us to meet several times a year.

Although we don’t socialize, we do joke around and have small talk about family, pets, travel, movies, etc., when we meet. We’ve always gotten along well.

I know that Mary is gay (she has told me this). Based on our conversations, Mary has identified as female, although her physical appearance and clothing do not pin her to a specific gender.

At some point during the two months that I didn’t see Mary, she grew a thick beard that completely covers her chin. When I saw the drastic and sudden (at least to me) change in her appearance, neither of us said anything about it. We just talked as if nothing had changed.

I believe that Mary has the right to present herself as she chooses, and I am not at all uncomfortable with her having a beard. But I feel awkward pretending it’s not there. My question is whether I should acknowledge the change in her appearance, and if so, what is the appropriate thing to say. I don’t want to offend her by saying or by not saying something. If you think I should just ignore it, then I’m sure I can get past the awkwardness.

– Beard Etiquette

Dear Etiquette: Because this is a strictly business relationship and because Mary hasn’t mentioned it, ignoring the beard as you would another colleague’s change in appearance is the best bet here.

As you note, there’s nothing wrong with the beard. There are times, in professional settings, when a compliment on it might work out. But, in general, at work it’s best for everyone to keep small talk out of the realm of physical appearance.

Dear Eric: My father and stepmother, who are in their mid 80s and in good health, live an hour away from us. My wife and I have had a good relationship with them for more than 40 years and we talk by phone at least once a week. We’ve always made it a point to include them in our family gatherings so that they could see their grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

I’m usually the one who initiates us getting together for lunch somewhere near them. My stepmother’s children live close by and stop by their house often. Recently, I invited them twice to come to our home when our kids and grandkids were here and both times they declined stating, “We have too much going on.”

If one of them has an appointment, then the day before and after is off limits for a visit. We missed getting together with them during the holidays because we were out of town. However, when we returned, I mentioned getting together three times and my dad responded that he didn’t know his schedule and would get back to me.

I’m really confused and hurt about what has happened. On the phone he’s very friendly and acts like nothing is wrong. My stepmother tells my wife that she loves her at the end of every call. We haven’t seen each other in six months. I’ve stopped asking him about getting together because it obviously isn’t important to him anymore.

– Confused Son

Dear Son: Your father and stepmother may have less capacity for making and following through on plans than they once did. Even though they’re in good health, the rhythms of their lives continue to change. Try to set aside your emotions by thinking of this as a logistical challenge, rather than an intentional slight.

They’ve communicated part of this by setting the boundary around appointment days, for instance. It may just take a lot out of them. So, it’s not a case of them choosing their appointments over you, but rather them negotiating the new realities of their lives.

Take the evidence of their love at face value.

You can make this easier on them and on yourselves by adjusting your expectations. Take the example of your stepmother’s children. Though it’s more convenient for them to stop by because they live closer, it’s also probably more helpful for your father and stepmother to have a more flexible visiting cadence that doesn’t require as much planning.

You may need to literally and figuratively start going the extra mile to make sure your father and stepmother are getting what they (and you) need. Test it out with a casual trip. “I’ll be in the area today in about a half an hour. Mind if I swing by?” But also listen to the response and be prepared to keep adjusting until it feels right all around. Maybe they need less notice, maybe more. Grant them some grace here and remember that the goal here is meeting the ones you love where they are.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)