Dear Eric: I found out recently that I have a half-sister who lives 15 minutes from me. I have not communicated with her so far.
It looks like the baby was born about 10 months before my parents’ wedding and was put up for adoption by my dad and this other woman.
I think this child called my parents’ house in the early ’80s when she turned 18 and talked to my parents, but the call was never discussed, and my parents also changed the home phone number to a new number and made it unlisted at that time.
My parents are now in their 80’s. My mom has a pacemaker, and my dad has Alzheimer’s. Is it better to wait until my mom has passed before trying to reach out to this relative?
I think if my parents wanted to tell us before now, they would have and with my mom being my dad’s caregiver, this is not a subject that would be good for her health.
– Newfound Sister
Dear Sister: Reach out now.
You may never get full answers about why your parents distanced themselves from your half-sister, but there’s a cruelty in their actions that you can help to assuage.
Many people who have been kept secret from their birth families talk about the longing that they have for that connection and the pain that secrecy causes. Be the bridge.
Protect yourself, as you would with any stranger. There’s a lot of emotions on all sides here. But there’s no need to wait.
You can’t change what your parents did, nor are you responsible for it, but you have the chance to start a new relationship with your half-sister.
Dear Eric: This may be immature but there’s a snub that has bothered me for 70 years.
Irene was my best friend since elementary school. We lived next door to each other and were inseparable. She was outgoing; I was introverted.
Irene’s parents decided not to invite me to her 15th birthday party to which they invited several young men, fearing that my presence might detract some attention from Irene.
I was profoundly hurt and never spoke to her again.
Even years later, when l was married, my father saw Irene in front of our building pushing a baby carriage holding twins. Irene asked about me, said she would like to talk to me, and gave him her contact info. But l just could not do it. I never called her.
– Still Hurt Friend
Dear Friend: What Irene’s parents did to you was unfair and unkind. It’s not immature to still have feelings about it. It’s a core wound that came at an especially sensitive time in your development.
Because this was Irene’s parents’ doing and, presumably, not hers, talking to Irene may have offered you some closure or even a bit of healing.
But it’s OK not to be ready.
However, if this is bothering you enough to write to me about it, I think it may be an indicator that the wound wants to close.
Release Irene’s parents for making a bad choice in what they thought was the best interest of their daughter. Release Irene for being caught in the middle. And, most importantly, release yourself. You didn’t deserve the snub. You should have been invited. It doesn’t have to define you anymore.
Dear Eric: I have a future son-in-law who gladly accepts gifts, tickets to events and dinner events, as well as dinners out. My issue is I’ve never once heard a “thank you, that’s kind of you”.
I find myself in a bind as I really dislike simmering in resentment. I also find that it’s challenging to address this issue without coming across as judgy, and I’m also a bit afraid it will be “joked off.”
There’s also a strong piece around my husband and I being “privileged”, and this also makes it awkward. He does not come from privilege. We do like the guy, but we also feel taken advantage of.
– Thankless Gift Giver
Dear Gift Giver: Being underprivileged doesn’t prevent someone from incorporating “thank you” into their vocabulary. That said, you may be placing different values on these gifts than he does. Try accepting that your future son-in-law communicates differently than you do.
Once that’s done, as a way of building your relationship, tell him how you’d like to be communicated with. This doesn’t have to take the form of instruction. But saying “It makes me feel valued when the things I do are acknowledged” may help him see your side.
Expressions of love are part of being in a family. He may see the nice things you do as simply a transaction. But you can give him the tools to help you feel loved back.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
