Q: My son’s father and I actually get along pretty well. When our son cut his last class at school and was caught skateboarding at the park, I told him I was calling his dad. He begged me not to, but I called anyway and let his father yell at him on the spot. It definitely got his attention. Wasn’t that good ex-etiquette?
A: In essence it was good ex-etiquette because you reached out for help and that’s the second rule of Good Ex-etiquette for Parents: “Ask for help if you need it.” From the outside, it probably felt like the perfect example of parents being “on the same page.”
But here’s the part most parents in your position miss — when you hand discipline over to the other parent, you quietly give away your own parenting authority. In two-home families, children are constantly learning how power works. They already know that Mom’s house is not Dad’s house. When the adult standing in front of them says, “Wait until your other parent hears about this,” the child doesn’t hear teamwork. He hears: “This parent can’t really manage this on their own.” You are now the weak link.
Over time, this creates a dangerous habit. Your child learns to stall. They learn that consequences don’t really exist until the other parent, the disciplinarian, gets involved. And that means your voice starts to matter less, not more. As a result, when you hear, “Please don’t tell Dad (or Mom),” you are faced with a dilemma that tugs at your heart strings. “My child trusts me to keep him safe,” and you inwardly debate if you should tell the other parent.
You should never hide things from your co-parent to protect your child from accountability.
Of course, anticipating problems and coming to an agreement before the child needs discipline is the ideal approach. But at times, time is of the essence, and you can’t wait until “Dad or Mom gets home” because Dad or Mom doesn’t live there. That’s when parents who truly co-parent anticipate the problem, agree to the proper response and stick to that agreement when faced with the need to discipline. If, at the spur of the moment, there is a need to deviate from the agreed upon strategy, true co-parents acknowledge their co-parent’s parental power and trust that parent to make good on-the-spot decisions based on the best interest of their child.
Later, after emotions settle, make sure you inform the other parent, so you both stay aware of patterns and concerns. That’s responsible communication. But the consequence for the child’s poor choice should already be in motion by then. That would be a perfect time for the parent who wasn’t present to have a discussion with the child to reinforce the decision. Then the child knows, “Your mother/father and I discussed it and we agree.”
When your child knows that each parent is steady, capable and confident on their own, something important happens — they stop looking for cracks in the system. They stop shopping for reactions. And they start understanding that responsibility follows them wherever they go, not because someone might yell, but because the adults in their life are in full agreement and mean what they say. That’s good ex-etiquette.
(Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families. She can be reached at www.bonusfamilies.com or jann@bonusfamilies.com.)
