Q. My husband’s kids come back to our home with all sorts of stories about their mother and what they do at her house. I feel like I have no privacy. I have told the kids on multiple occasions that what goes on at our house is our business, and I don’t care what goes on at their mother’s home, but they continue to talk about it over there. It’s just infuriating, and I don’t know how to get them to stop. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. You don’t want them to stop. In truth, you should be encouraging it. Abusers tell children not to tell. These kids are not bragging or tattling, they are sharing their life.
The first rule of good ex-etiquette is, “Put the children first.” You framed your question from your perspective. I get it, it’s your life, but you made a choice to marry into this family. The kids did not, nor did they get a choice in their having to live in two homes.
To complicate the situation even further, parents and bonus parents often convince themselves that a child’s life stops when they leave their home. “This is their real home. They are just visiting that other home, biding their time until they get home.” Some parents don’t believe that what happens at that other place is as important as what happens at their home, so they openly discount or compare the stories the children pass on.
In reality, these children share dual citizenship. They are members of both families and if they are raised to believe that one family is not as good or “temporary,” that will reinforce feelings of insecurity and not feeling safe at either home. That is why it is the parents’ and bonus parents’ job to look for ways to work as a team, creating as seamless a transition between homes as possible.
This is where estranged parents and their new partners scoff at the suggestion of becoming a co-parenting team. ”I didn’t get along with that jerk when we were together. I celebrate every day that I don’t have to live with them!”
That may be true of you, but it is unlikely the children feel that way. They love both of their parents. They deserve a loving relationship with both of their parents. If you have chosen to no longer live with their other parent, it is both you and the other parent’s job, plus anyone you or that other parent is involved with, to create an atmosphere that allows those children to flourish in both homes.
How do you do that? Encourage open communication and transparency. No secrets at either home.
When a child comes home with a story about the other home — good or bad — be interested, not offended. If further clarification is needed, create an environment where both homes can explore what is being reported and not take it personally.
You do not have to be a couple to raise these children together—but you do have to put the children’s welfare before your own. It doesn’t matter if the kids are yours biologically or not. They live with you. You impact their life. That’s good ex-etiquette.
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