Dear Eric: After a lifetime of making bad choices in a husband and later boyfriends, I gladly embraced the single life and have been fully content and even joyful.
A few months ago, at age 70, I attended a dear friend’s memorial service. As I started to leave, I had a flash of connection as my eyes met those of my friend’s now-widower who I had worked with 40 years prior. We had a pleasant exchange; we then met for lunch a month later and then a few more times and there is a strong connection.
This could be something really good for both of us, but he told me that during his 60-year marriage he was a serial cheater and also that this need for “forbidden” sex with people he does not care about is just who he is. He has no remorse, and it will continue to happen in the future even if we were to be a couple.
For one thing, I’m so discouraged because other than that huge problem he is wonderful. Does this mean it’s all hopeless? I don’t connect with others easily and this has been so good for me in lots of ways.
I don’t think he is doing any of the dangerous patterns that I’ve fallen prey to in the past such as “love bombing” or any of the narcissist control tricks. So far all is good except for his honest explanation of that unsavory aspect of who he is and his clear statement that it could happen again, even at his current age of 82.
Such a shame when I have so much fun with him and we are so easily compatible.
What are your thoughts on this?
– Hopeless Romantic
Dear Romantic: You don’t need to settle. I want to highlight the way you started your letter: after a lifetime of relationships that didn’t give you what you need, you’ve “gladly embraced the single life.” You are content and joyful. You have found a love for yourself that doesn’t need a partner’s approval or support. No matter what’s going on with this other guy, that’s the aspect you should be focusing on. You are enough.
Now, we can be happy with ourselves and still want companionship. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. But this person might be better as a friend. I don’t get the sense from your letter that you’re interested in being in an open relationship. And it sounds like the forbidden aspect is crucial for him. So, ask yourself what’s crucial for you. If he’s a nice lunch date and fun to be around, maybe what’s best for you is putting a boundary around your relationship so that it’s not romantic or not sexual and you’re able to get what you want from it without having to give away a part of yourself.
Dear Eric: Because my father-in-law was always angry at one of his sons (my husband and his brother) and changing his will accordingly, they agreed to split everything evenly, no matter what the will said. When my father-in-law passed away almost everything was left to my brother-in-law. True to his word, he sent us a check for half. We were grateful and expressed our thanks. About a year later my brother-in-law called asking to borrow $25,000 until a CD came due in a year. We sent the money the next day.
After 18 months my husband asked his brother about the loan and my brother-in-law went nuts, screaming (over the phone) at my husband, name calling, et cetera. The money was never repaid, but worse, my husband and his brother have not spoken in over two years. Your thoughts?
– Sister-in-Law
Dear Sister-in-Law: Every loan should come with written terms, preferably in consultation with a financial adviser or lawyer. Especially loans of that size. This gives both parties a clear view of the expectations around repayment and interest, if any, as well as recourse should something go awry.
It may seem overly litigious, especially between families, but, as your letter shows, there’s little that can drive a wedge between people like money. Now, in the case of your husband and his brother, given the history with their father, I also suspect that there are other mental or emotional factors involved in your brother-in-law’s reaction.
What’s to be done about it? It depends on what’s most important to you. If repayment is the top priority, you can consult with an attorney to see if you have viable options. If the most important thing is reunification, then your husband and his brother need to have a resetting conversation wherein they’re both able to state the places where they felt wronged without the other taking offense. Then they’ll need to agree to leave the past in the past and move forward differently.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
