Dear Eric: My husband thinks husbands and wives shouldn’t travel separately unless absolutely necessary, that solo trips just open the door for all kinds of issues such as infidelity. (He’s speaking from personal experience.) As a travel agent, I’d often enjoyed solo travel before we were married, including while we were dating, and I miss it. I’ve passed up many work trips since we’ve been married because my husband mocks them, saying they’re not really work trips as, of course, they involve travel to fun places since that’s my job. I love to travel, and he does not, so we’ve compromised in this area.
This issue has become such a big problem that my husband has actually hinted that we separate as “we’re on completely different pages.” I’ve suggested counseling, which he won’t consider. I don’t know what else to do to save our marriage. It’s not as if I want to take a girls’ trip every month or even every year, but every once in a while, would be fun, and I’d like to resume work trips when they arise.
– Homebound Travel Lover
Dear Homebound: Your husband is making his baggage your problem and if he’s unwilling to do anything about it, he’s choosing to create a fissure in your marriage. It’s not clear if his personal experience with infidelity is as a cheater or someone who was cheated on, but either way his trauma around this has reached the point of self-sabotage.
I don’t see how he’s compromising here at all, really. I see you giving up something that you love and him continually moving the line. This isn’t fair to you, and I suspect that even if you were to never go on another solo trip again, there’d just be other little infractions that would trouble him.
I don’t want to be too harsh on your husband, but if he won’t even consider counseling – for himself and for the two of you – it doesn’t sound like he’s really committed to the success of your marriage.
You should be able to come and go as you please, particularly as a function of your job. But marriage is not a solo trip. Your husband has to decide if his skewed belief is worth sacrificing your union for. If he remains “my way or the highway” about this, then the answer is the highway.
Dear Eric: My friend bought me tickets to a concert that I really was looking forward to. She bought these tickets to thank me for all the concerts I have treated her to.
One of the reasons that I have treated her so often is because my partner rarely wants to see the same bands as me. He also buys tickets, and I always go with him regardless of whether or not I like the band.
He bought tickets to see a band that I have never even heard of for the same night. I don’t want to go but I feel like he is going to be upset with me. I also know that if I ask my friend to offer her tickets to someone else, she too will be upset with me. Either way, I can’t win because I really want to go with my friend, but I feel like it is not worth the conflict with my partner. What do you think I should do?
– Disconcerted
Dear Disconcerted: To use a Bob Dylan song title, Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right to go to the concert with your friend. Decline your partner’s invite and Go Your Own Way, as Fleetwood Mac sang. Your partner can enjoy his concert With a Little Help From [his] Friends (Joe Cocker) or he can go Alone (Heart). Either way, his peevishness isn’t a reason to Listen to the Music (Doobie Brothers) you don’t even know.
You accommodate your partner by going to shows you don’t care about, but it begs the question that Janet Jackson posed: What Have You Done For Me Lately? It’s a Sweet Thing (Chaka Khan) to go along with him, but not if it comes at the expense of your own Good Times (Alan Jackson).
In all seriousness, it’s concerning that his demands are taking up so much attention here. That’s not a healthy dynamic, especially if he’s not even asking you in advance or going to shows you want to go to. Where’s the give and take? Or the gratitude for the time you spend at concerts of artists you don’t know listening to songs you’ve never heard? Sounds like a sacrifice to me.
Tell him you appreciate the thought but you’re not available the night of the concert in question. Hopefully he’ll be happy that you’ll both be having a fun concert experience. But if not, That’s Life (Frank Sinatra).
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
