Dear Eric: I have been diagnosed with a terminal disease (ya, it’s lousy) and my outlook is just a year or so. I have let very few people know. Most are very sympathetic and supportive, but a couple have totally withdrawn. Should I try to connect with them? Or just let it go?
I mean, there’s nothing that anyone can do, but it seems like a kind word might be in order.
– Missing Friends
Dear Friends: I’m sorry to read about this news, but I’m glad that you’re using your time to prioritize the connections that are most important to you. Sometimes friends and loved ones, even the ones with the best intentions, don’t know the right thing to do or say when confronted with bad news. This is human but it’s also something I desperately wish we could put aside. Because time is short and it’s better to say, “I don’t know what to say,” than to say nothing at all.
You don’t owe your withdrawn friends extra effort. The question is: do you owe it to yourself? If you want to make sure you’re able to spend meaningful moments with those friends, despite their current actions, and if it would make the time you have more special, then you should reach out. Tell them, “it feels like you’ve withdrawn, and I feel sad about that. We have a finite amount of time together; I’d like you to show up, and here’s how.”
The goal is to give you every single thing that you need to meet the challenges of this next year. Now, on the other hand, if their behavior has soured you and will make for difficult moments in the near future, then let it go and focus on what uplifts you. This isn’t about preserving friendships. The friendships are what they are and your happy memories of the times you shared in the past remain yours to keep.
Dear Eric: I’m a retired gay man in my late 60’s, and like many gay men my age, I married young and have children, as well as a grandchild. My small circle of friends is younger and still working, and several have never been in a relationship with a woman.
I listen to my friend’s rants on their workplace, declining health of parents and relationship problems, and upon our next meetup, will ask “how’s your mom doing”, or “did that job issue get resolved?” I make constant eye contact with anybody who is speaking to me and feel like I am being a good friend.
Then I might tell them something about my children or grandson, and their eyes glaze over, or worse, pull out their phone when I am telling them about my life. On several occasions, I just stopped talking mid-sentence, and nobody noticed. I know the names of their moms and nieces and nephews and use them in conversation. These friends never ask how my family is doing or even know their names. In a bit of frustration, I asked two friends once what my daughter’s and grandson’s names were, and they looked offended by the question. Of course, they didn’t know.
I have come to the point where I just don’t mention my family to them anymore, and I know that this is not how friendships are supposed to be. Any thoughts or suggestions?
– Odd Man Out
Dear Odd Man Out: While, on the surface, it might seem that your friends don’t have a frame of reference for parts of your life, what this boils down to is basic empathy and curiosity. And I would hope they have those.
Your friends should want to know the details of your life, even if they don’t share the same experiences. Your friends should care about what’s important to you. They may not always keep track of names and dates, but if you’re talking and they’re not paying attention, that’s a problem.
From your telling, it appears that you’re the conscientious one of your group. This can be a rewarding way to engage in friendship, and it can also be a burden. The latter because what you’ll need to do is tell your friends more explicitly how to show up for you.
It sounds like you’ve already pointed out that you feel they’re not paying attention to you. You can ask for that to change, in concrete ways. But, if it doesn’t, it might be an indication that the friendships aren’t a great fit for you anymore.
I don’t know if there’s a part of you that feels you have to settle, but if there is, try to quiet it. Or, better yet, silence it. Your life experiences make you who you are. You don’t have to edit them to earn the attention of your friends.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
