Asking Eric: There’s something going on with my husband

Dear Eric: My husband and I have worked hard to create consistent communication in our relationship that has lasted 10 years. We have both struggled to get to a good place, which we thought we had achieved.

Then a month ago, my son was home from college. My husband (his stepdad), my son and I were watching TV. My son was sitting next to me. I started rubbing his head like when he was little while we were all sitting there. This lasted for about an hour.

The next day, my husband was very upset and “weirded out” by my behavior. He said it was infantilizing. I agreed and said I wouldn’t do it again. However, he is so disturbed by the behavior that he is not able to touch me. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since. He suggested that we see a counselor.

I am struggling to see my behavior as harmful or disturbing. I think he needs me to see my behavior the same way as he does. I think he sees me as taking advantage of my son in some way. I don’t see how a counselor can help, and I am afraid that this experience will end us.

Any thoughts you can offer are helpful. I’ve tried my best to be as objective and fair as possible in presenting this problem to you without sharing a decade of context. I hope you have enough information. This specific issue has not come up before.

– Marriage Advice

Dear Marriage: There’s something going on with your husband that doesn’t have anything to do with you. I’m not going to hazard a guess as to what it is, but talking with him about what happened in counseling could shed some light and, hopefully, get him to a place where he can deal with it individually.

His response was extreme and, seemingly, unnecessary. From what you wrote, you and your son have an affectionate relationship, he gave you consent to touch him, and the way you touched him was appropriate and safe. So, the issue isn’t your behavior. Continuing to have conversations about it at home with your husband isn’t likely to get you anywhere if he can’t see that. But a neutral third party may be able to help you both conduct a conversation with guardrails and steer him into a healthier place.

Dear Eric: I would like your advice on how to respond politely when someone tries to show you phone photos while you wait for them to fish through what seems like hundreds. I am a board member of a plant society where our meetings are very busy, and I have lots to do. One older gentleman wants to show me plant photos while I am trying to set up for the meeting. I don’t want to be rude, but I have many duties. The other is a family member who likes to show photos of people I don’t know while I’m preparing for dinner or a party. I would enjoy seeing these things at another time and also not have to wait while they search through their photos. I do not want to hurt their feelings. Suggestions?

– Not Now, Please

Dear Not Now: Honesty, plain and simple, is going to be your friend here. “I’d love to see your photos, but I want to give them my full attention. Can you wait until I’m finished doing this?” You might even ask the older gentleman or the family member to help you complete your task instead of distracting you. But this, of course, depends on how good they are at helping. If they’re going to slow you down, it might be best to ask them to just organize their photos and wait a bit.

Dear Eric: I’d like to offer some additional thoughts to “Carpooling”, whose friend asked for occasional assistance in driving the friend’s mentally challenged son.

Carpooling mentioned that they and the friend are members of the same church and also attend Bible study together.

Before the next Bible study (or other event at their church), Carpooling may wish to say, “I’m not always able to drive your son on days you may need some assistance. Perhaps if you mention it to the pastor or our group members, they can put together a list of volunteers who might also be able to lend a hand.”

If even one or two others can do so, that alone can ease some of the financial burden a bit. Here’s the thing about volunteerism: you often have willing volunteers along with those in need, but the two haven’t been linked together.

– Friend in Deed

Dear Fried: Love this suggestion. It’s a great way of solving the problem while also fostering community. Thanks for writing!

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)