Dear Eric: Before a summer trip to visit family in 2019, a friend’s cat passed away. She wrapped the kitty in one of her husband’s T-shirts and buried it in the desert backyard, maybe two feet deep. Around the day she was leaving, she discovered that desert fauna had slipped inside the backyard fence and disturbed the site. She told me she couldn’t deal with the mess; which I completely understand. I was cat-sitting her other cat, so I helped.
My first attempt at cleanup was not successful. Second attempt, I thought I’d either take the remains to be cremated, or bury the cat in my backyard. Cremation costs were out of my means so, for the last six years, the kitty has been safely buried in my yard.
In the time since, our friendship has disintegrated. I returned her key to her house. She has never really said that she hated or liked my solution to the cat’s burial. She is a very private person; and can be passive-aggressive, snarky and avoidant.
But, what do I do with the deceased cat? If one of my kitties had had to be buried elsewhere, I would be angry. Do I dig up the kitty and cremate what is left? Do I create a box of cremains-like and mail it? Put what’s left in the dirt in a box and not cremate? Cremate, send her an email, apologizing and wishing her well and give a deadline for mailing?
– Pet Cemetery Sitter
Dear Sitter: Cats have nine lives, but one burial suffices. Two is generous. Three risks farce. Let the cat rest undisturbed in your yard. You kindly solved a problem for your friend that she should have cared enough to solve. You’ve done more than your share and can let your worries rest in peace, as well.
Dear Eric: At 75, I have been getting rid of stuff for years to get ready to meet my maker. Unfortunately, my son’s new girlfriend thinks I can’t afford decorations. I pass on all the lovely arts and crafts she gives me to the Goodwill.
I don’t want to tell her that I would prefer a handmade coupon for a lunch date at the cafe of my choice or other useful items. I’d love fragrance-free soaps and shampoo, canned tuna fish or stamps. I’ve just gotten rid of a lifetime of clothes and prefer an austere life now. Advice, please?
– Downsizing Dilemma
Dear Downsizing: Friend, you’re already there! You’ve downsized everything, including the potential conflict. In your letter, you’ve figured out the problem and a solution that could make everyone happy. So, just tell her the truth. You’re still building a relationship and the best way to do that is to communicate, kindly and helpfully.
Before the next gift-giving holiday, let her know exactly what you wrote to me: I’m downsizing, it’s freeing; here’s what would be really valuable to me. You can even model it by giving her a coupon for a lunch date to show you mean it.
Dear Eric: I’m a comfortably retired, single only child who is fortunate to have relatives nearby. We are in each other’s lives often and in supportive ways. I’m there for celebrations, emergencies and other events both joyful and sad.
My health care proxy, power of attorney and other legal papers are with them. We’ve had conversations about my wishes at the end of life and for some time I’ve felt “settled” in that regard.
Recently they shared they plan to move to a different region of the country upon retirement, which will be within four years. There has been no acknowledgement of the impact of their move on me.
I’ll be in my late 70’s by then and the thought of navigating the challenges of advancing age pretty much alone is frightening. I am conflicted about what to do here. Do I just come out and ask, “Have you given any thought to the impact of your move on me and other members of the family?” I hate this feeling; they are entitled to enjoy their retirement wherever they choose.
– Distressed About the Future
Dear Distressed: You trust them enough with your power of attorney and care, not to mention your joys and celebrations, so trust them with this tender emotion as well. Tell them that you’re happy for them and also that you’re scared about your own future. The two emotions aren’t in conflict.
Ask them to help you think through what this means for you. Perhaps they’ve already given it some thought. You’re not a burden.
Together, you’ve done so much of the important work that we all need to do regarding elder care and end-of-life planning. Keep those communication channels open. It will help you feel more secure and help you make changes if you need to.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
