Ex-etiquette: Stepmom not invited to 8-year-old’s birthday

Q. My husband’s 8-year-old daughter has a birthday this weekend and she decided she would like to take a few friends to the movies and then out for frozen yogurt around the corner from our home. My husband and his ex-wife plan to take her and I was not invited. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Let’s clarify something first. Your husband’s ex is this child’s mother, so the request may not be as off as presented at first. But it’s still inappropriate if you, as his wife, are not included when mom also attends. If you decline the invitation because you are sick, for example, that would be understandable. But not invited? That’s not good ex-etiquette.

Once a divorced parent lives with or marries someone else, the new partner becomes their primary companion. That means your husband and his ex continue to co-parent, but you are also integrated into the mix. Ideally, that would mean all three of you take the child to the movies—or, if that is uncomfortable because you have not progressed to comfortably co-parenting as a team, just one parent is designated to attend.

I suggest this approach for three reasons:

First, children often hope for parental reconciliation after a breakup and when that doesn’t happen, it can be extremely disappointing. Still reeling from the first breakup, it may even be perceived as another breakup. So, if parents do attend a special occasion together, they must be mindful of how their friendly interaction is perceived by their children.

Second, too familiar interaction between parents can influence the children’s relationship with a new partner. Even though they love both parents, they can also feel protective of the new partner and not know where to turn or how to react when witnessing too friendly parental interaction. By the same token, they might resent the new partner for getting in the way of their parent’s reconciliation. Either way, you can see how confusing this might be.

Finally, the third reason is that if there is tension between any of the adults, it will embarrass the children and make them very uncomfortable. Never attempt this sort of interaction until you are confident that you are ready for it and can set a good example.

I must clarify that these considerations apply to things like private birthday parties or outings, not events like Little League games or school plays when it is commonplace for both parents to support their children, and many other parents are also in attendance.

I did not get the impression that you were asking this question because you were jealous. It appeared you felt overlooked, and you wanted clarification. However, it seems fitting to now discuss jealous and insecure feelings and how misunderstanding your role can negatively influence both past and current relationships.

Both past and current partners may experience jealousy or insecure feelings when their position is unclear or unstated. Basically, people need to know where they stand. Once parents divorce, everyone has new roles and responsibilities to consider. Parents are now co-parents. New partners are now the primary romantic interest. It is when these new roles do not match each person’s expectations that people become jealous and insecure. That merits a clarifying conversation right from the beginning. As a result, each person will better understand their position, become more confident about where they stand, and jealous and insecure feelings will hopefully be diminished. That’s good ex-etiquette.